


take me out tonight

by Moonprincess92



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Character Death, Dating, F/M, Fate, First Meetings, Pre-Rogue One, UST, they get to know each other before the plot of the movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-09-13 08:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 36,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9115201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonprincess92/pseuds/Moonprincess92
Summary: Just trying to survive since Saw abandoned her, 20 year old Jyn meets a Rebel Intelligence Officer in a bar (and maybe he buys her a drink or two).





	1. so let's find a bar

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a slut for this ship now, that's all yall needa know.  
> Thanks for reading, fam. xoxoxo

At least the cantina wasn’t the worst place she’d ever been.

Jyn winced at the stickiness of the stool she was seated on, but she didn’t move. Her eyes roamed the bar, passing over each person who occupied it. All she had to go on was a name and a flat-holo currently crumpled up in her pocket, and she’d been out of work for too long. She couldn’t afford to miss this one just because she was too busy wiping down her stool, no matter how disgusting it probably was.

When she thought about it, she probably wasn’t even old enough to be in the cantina. She could barely remember what planet she was on, let alone what their laws on underage drinking were. The bartender thankfully hadn’t seemed to care, however, serving her whatever drink she asked for. She often didn’t drink at all – it made it way too easy to be susceptible – but she knew that the man she was hoping to work for was looking for a very specific profile, and she had to match it. Jyn held up her glass casually, pretending to sip and hoping that it didn’t look like she was trying to use it as a mirror. Damn, she definitely should have done something more with her hair.

People came and went. This cantina was clearly one of the more popular ones in the city, and the bartenders were all run off their feet. She watched faces with clinical appraisal, before moving onto the next one. She’d been waiting over an hour, now.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

Someone dropped down into the stool next to her. The first thing she saw was a tanned hand signalling one of the bartenders, the arm clad in dark leather. She followed the arm up to the man it was attached to and snorted when the bartender closest to them ignored him completely.

“I wouldn’t hold your breath,” she found herself saying.

“I’m sorry?” the man turned to her.

“Have you seen this place?” Jyn pointed out, gesturing around them. “You’re not getting a drink for another half hour at least, ‘specially since you don’t have a pretty girl on your arm.”

The man regarded her a moment and immediately, she wished she hadn’t said anything at all. Her words were true – she had been watching closely, and no one ever got served unless you were female or whatever the equivalent gender on your home planet was (Jyn was surprised with her hair that she ever got served at all) – but the man next to her was looking at her, noticing her, and she suddenly wanted to hide.

“Well, then,” he said. He met her eyes, before reaching out and offering her an arm. “help me out?”

She should say no. She should slide off her stool, leave behind her drink and walk away. Her potential boss hadn’t specified a particular place inside the cantina to wait for him, after all, she should go outside where she could keep a better look out. Nothing about the man next to her screamed _Imperial_ or _serial killer_ , but he was still an unknown, a variable, and yes, she should be getting as far away from him as possible.

But she placed a hand on his arm and called out to the bartender.

The man requested something she’d never heard of before, so she pretended she knew what she was asking for. The alcohol was strong, she was certain of that, at least. The fumes made her head swim. The lights reflecting off the bar were edging into blurriness and the man’s eyes next to her were making her chest pound. 

“What’s your name?” the man asked.

She took a sip of the drink he’d ordered and forced back a cough. “What, are you with the Empire? This an interrogation?”

The man chuckled a little. “I can’t know your name?”

“Can’t be too careful. Hey, if you are an Imperial, long live Vader, or whatever.”

“I’m not too sure the Empire would appreciate you just casually tossing out your loyalties like that.”

“I’m a loyal girl. What else could they want?”

“Who’s side are you even on?”

“The side that doesn’t get me killed.” It was how she’d lived the last three years since Saw Gerrera had abandoned her. Through the alcohol, the music, the chatter of the cantina, she felt the doors blocking that dark place in her head strain against the chains, slightly. Don’t go there, Jyn. You don’t want to go there. Maybe her answer wasn’t what a lot of people wanted to hear ( _you’re either for the Empire or you’re not, there’s no in between allowed_ ) but when the Alliance had also done nothing but cause you pain, she ceased to give a damn.

The man was studying her, almost like a painting. It was more than uncomfortable, but she didn’t turn away. He had to be older than her, probably by a few years or more. He looked dangerous in leather, guarded with the scruff around his face, and Jyn didn’t care for closeness or emotion (it did nothing but hurt) but she could appreciate a face well enough. “I’d ask what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this, but I think I already know the answer,” he said.

Jyn just raised an eyebrow. “Oh, really?”

“Well, maybe not. Sometimes I’m wrong. Don’t tell me just yet, maybe I’ll change my mind.”

“What makes you think I’ll ever tell you?”

The man laughed. “My name’s Cassian. No, I’m not with the Empire.”

He was offering up a lot. _Cassian_. She sorted through the thousands of names in her head, contacts and people she’d met along the way, and came up short. From what she knew, he at the very least wasn’t a bounty hunter or one of Saw’s rebels. He spoke in an accented basic and from what she’d seen of the locals here so far, this couldn’t possibly be home for him. Where did he come from?

She wasn’t sure when she’d become this girl, the one who sat in bars, talking to strangers. She was ready to flirt with a contact she was hoping to eventually work for (if they ever showed up) and now, she wondered about the home planets of strange men that she met. At 16, she never would have been this girl. At 16, Jyn Erso was a warrior, a fighter. She didn’t stop, she didn’t slow down, she didn’t use games and words, she used instincts and a good blaster.

But three years had the ability to harden you. Jyn Erso might still be a fighter, but she had also watched herself do whatever she needed to survive. If that meant lying, if that meant flirting, if that meant making allies and reaching out, she would. But if anything, it meant that she had kept those doors inside her mind locked even harder. She told herself it was out of protection, guarding herself and her emotions so that she wasn’t burned again. If she didn’t let someone get to know her, then she couldn’t get hurt. It had worked, so far.

When was the last time she’d ever spoken to someone like this?

“Cassian,” she savoured the name. “I’m Liana.”

“And where are you from, Liana?” 

“A lot of places. You?”

“Far away from here,” Cassian said to his drink. She watched, almost impressed, as he took a large gulp. In a tone that was a bit drier, he added, “We’re doing such a good job at this, aren’t we?”

“At what?”

“Getting to know each other,” Cassian said. “Isn’t that what people do? Come to bars and try and get to know people well enough to take them home?”

 _Bit hard when you don’t have a home to take them to_. “Maybe that’s not why I’m here.”

Cassian laughed, a throaty sound that made her ache a little. She hadn’t heard a laugh in a long time. “Then why are you here? No, sorry,” he cut himself off before she could even speak. “I think I’m learning, we don’t ask questions like that. What if I asked you where do you want to go, instead?”

Where does she want to go? A lot of places.

“Honestly?” she said, glancing up at him. “I want to go home.”

“Don’t we all?”

“Depends where home is,” Jyn said. “but I suppose. Do you want to go home?”

“I’m kind of ok with where I am now, actually.”

She was about to look away from him, but that was when Cassian met her eyes and she suddenly couldn’t. Slight smile still on his face, he tipped back his glass and finished off the last of his drink. She swallowed, tearing her eyes away from his throat as he slammed the glass back down on the bar. “You gonna finish yours?” he asked.

She shoved the glass towards him.

“Not your drink?”

“You take it strong,” she noted.

“Sorry, should’ve thought. What do you want? I’ll buy–”

She should say no. Should, should, should. So many shoulds, yet she gave him an answer anyway, the same drink she had ordered before him, because it was the only drink she actually knew of. She hadn’t realised how easy it was to retreat, to hide inside herself, until the moments she didn’t want to anymore hit her. The years had made her hard, but she hadn’t always been that way. She’d once been a girl who played in the fields outside her home, a girl who hugged her mama and giggled when Papa tickled her. She was only going to get hurt again doing this, but she was accepting another drink from Cassian anyway.

It might hurt less, but the world was also emptier when you detached from it.

“If you’re not with the Empire,” she asked, talking to her drink. “Does that mean you’re with the Alliance?”

“Most people would assume that,” Cassian answered. “but then again, you prove most people wrong. Opposing one side doesn’t always mean you back the other.”

“But for you, it does.”

“How can you tell?”

“That jacket came from somewhere,” Jyn pointed out the soft leather. “Credits, clearly, which are hard to come by on this planet. You're either with the Alliance, or into something illegal, so.” 

“And you didn’t immediately guess something illegal?”

“Admittedly, it was kind of a hunch.”

“Well, now," Cassian eyed her. "With that kind of scrutiny, we could use you.”

“Ok,” she scoffed.

“No, really,” Cassian reached out, nudged her leg with his own. “I can tell you’re tough, you’ve got no love for the Empire. I’ve got contacts, if you wanted.”

“I don’t do well with authority.”

“I didn’t either,” Cassian mentioned.

“Is _this_ why you’re here?” Jyn demanded. “To try and coerce people?”

“It’s only coercion if I forced you,” Cassian pointed out. “and let’s face it, I think we both know that I couldn’t force you to do anything. But, no, that’s not why I’m here, although sometimes it is. In all honesty, I’m actually here waiting for a contact.”

“Hmm,” she hummed into her glass. “maybe we’re not as different as I thought.”

“You’re waiting for someone, too?” Cassian asked.

“Isn’t everyone?” Jyn was tempted to nudge him back like he had done to her. Just a small touch. A knee to his … maybe graze his arm. “It seems all we ever do is wait.”

“You never give me a straight answer, Liana, I’ve noticed.”

“Fine, I’m waiting for someone too,” Jyn shot him a look. “No, I’m not saying why. Yes, you can buy me another drink. That enough answers for you?”

Cassian blinked a little, but apparently yes, it was. “If I buy you enough drinks, will you stop waiting for whoever it is?”

“Not on your life.”

“I’ll use my time wisely then,” Cassian offered the last of his drink to her and she knocked it back without hesitation.

It became apparent that Cassian wasn’t something to figure out. They spoke, back and forth as the bartender finally dropped off more drinks in exchange for the card Cassian handed over, and it was clear that he wasn't holding back. He had nothing to hide from her. He spoke openly of the Alliance, told her stories that admittedly made her wistful. His story-telling skills were charming, made her smile, made her almost hope that she could disappear with him instead of waiting in this ugly cantina. But as much as she feared capture, as much as she feared being found by the Empire, she feared being burned more. She refused to look too deeply into this soldier’s eyes.

Still. No one had surely ever shown this much interest in her before. He didn’t seem to even care that she gave away almost nothing, spoke of mundane things in return, boring things, that no doubt would have anyone else giving up on her. She felt warm and content sitting next to him, their knees now overlapping as they faced each other.

She didn’t think she’d felt like this in a long time.

“Ok, ok, I lied before,” Cassian was saying, leaning into her maybe a little too much. “I’m not exactly waiting for a contact, I’m more waiting for a target.”

“So you ARE a hit man.”

“ _Intelligence officer_.”

“We both know that’s just a nice term for ‘spy’.”

Cassian shoved her arm slightly, nearly making her spill her drink. She gasped as the liquid spilled over their legs. “I’m just mean – don’t worry, I’ll buy you another – we’ve had several new recruits go missing recently, and we think we’ve tracked down what’s been happening. Seriously, you look fine!” he added, since she was still grumbling over the stain on her clothes. “There’s a pretty big trafficking ring that runs through this city, and we’ve had more than one recruit now go missing from this area. This guy I’ve set up a meeting with, I’m pretty sure he runs the ring, but he hasn’t shown yet.”

Jyn was about to answer ( _in what way, exactly, do I look fine?_ ), when suddenly, someone new stepped inside the cantina. She almost cursed out loud, as it appeared that her job contact had finally shown. She wasn’t sure when that had suddenly become a bad thing, but there was disappointment now running through her. The man matched the holo she’d been given – human, big and beefy and with probably a little something else in him that produced the small dark horns that curled from his head. But it meant she had to explain to Cassian that she abruptly had to go. As she turned, she saw that Cassian had noticed the man too. The look on his face said enough. 

Oh, hell. 

“Please tell me that's not your target?” Jyn asked, partially in horror.

“Wait, _that’s_ your contact?” Cassian asked back in confusion.

A slow, sinking feeling filled her once more, only this time it was to do with her dashed hopes. If this man was someone Cassian was supposed to confront about a supposed trafficking ring, then it was clear that Jyn might not have been so much as ‘hired’ as ‘captured and eventually sold’. A shudder ripped through her as she thought about how close she might have come. “How did he get your name?” Cassian’s tone had suddenly hardened in light of this new information. His back was ram-rod straight as he peered over the bar at the man, watching his movements as Jyn watched from behind her glass. 

It wasn’t the time for holding back. “Someone in the street. Said they had jobs going in a bar, set up the interview for me.”

“And you believed them?” Cassian said in indignation.

“I don't exactly have many other options!”

Cassian sighed as he rubbed his forehead a moment, muttering under his breath in a language she didn’t understand. “Someone from the Empire must be funding the ring, paying them to intercept our recruit lists and take anyone who might have joined us.”

“What do we do?” Jyn asked at once, eyes narrowing as she zeroed in on the man who more than likely would have kidnapped her.

“You don’t do anything,” Cassian was reaching inside his jacket and that was when she noticed that there had to be a blaster hidden in there. She inwardly kicked herself for not realising. This was why she should have said no to the first drink, she was losing her touch. “Stay here, don’t move, I’m going to–”

“That man would have had to kill me before he could sell me,” Jyn barked a laugh at Cassian’s vain attempts to protect her. “I have a blaster too.”

“Of course you do,” Cassian shot her a look. “Oh, I’m going to regret this, but come on then.”

It naturally went about as well as one would think. The man had been expecting Jyn, of course, but not exactly the armed and dangerous Rebel Intelligence Officer she’d brought with her. The cantina was suddenly bursting with screams and the crashing of glass as the blasters quickly came out. Jyn dove behind the closest table, covering Cassian as he fired down on the trafficker. He was good in a fight. His shots were precise, clear, and she heard the yelp as the trafficker was hit. She ducked around the tables, pushing aside panicking, yelling patrons until she reached Cassian’s side once more, the two of them using the bar as cover.

“Do we kill him?” she asked.

“No, we need him to find where they’re keeping our recruits,” Cassian said, his eyes never straying from their target.

“You’re a good shot.”

“You are too,” Cassian tossed back at her. She realised that she hadn’t needed him to tell her anything during their brief firefight. They had barely communicated at all, yet Jyn had still seemed to know what he needed from her. She almost knew what the next words out of his mouth were going to be, and that regret from earlier at the bar was biting through her even more.

She liked this man. She didn't mean to, but she did.

Suddenly, there was a loud _bang_ and someone yelled. Cassian swore loudly in that other language he seemed to be fluent in, before crying out, “– he isn’t completely down, _come on!_ ”

They burst out of the cantina doors in a flurry of leather and blaster fire. Jyn managed to hit the trafficker as he frantically tried to escape and she ended up blowing out what looked like his knee cap. He wasn’t going anywhere fast. Cassian grabbed at her wrist with his free hand and tugged, yelling, “Let’s get him–”

But she dug her heels in.

“Cassian, I’ve got to get out of here.”

“But–” Cassian’s eyes moved frantically between the man and her face. “Liana–”

“You must know Liana isn’t my real name,” she almost laughed. “Look, my life here has clearly been compromised, I have to get off this planet–”

“ _Come with me_.”

“No,” Jyn bit back anything inside her that wanted to say yes ( _it might have been a big part_ ).

Cassian stared her down. 

“I’m never going to see you again, am I?” he said.

Jyn could stay as apathetic and detached as much as she liked, but she knew that it wouldn’t ever make a difference. She didn’t need anyone else, she didn’t rely on anyone but herself but damn it, Cassian’s gaze bore into hers and she craved it. She didn’t need it, but she wanted it, and badly. He held her wrist that was holding the blaster, so she was free to use the other. Jyn reached up and snatched at his collar, dragging his face to hers.

She didn’t care that it was a bad idea, she didn’t care at all. She just wanted to feel his lips against hers. He was rough and she closed her eyes. It was all fire, that warmth she had felt sitting at the bar igniting inside of her, and she honestly didn’t know what she was doing. They didn’t have time for this. She couldn’t move closer, she couldn’t press deeper. This was the stupidest thing she’d ever done.

But for just three seconds, she let herself feel.

“Maybe one day,” she whispered against his lips, before pulling away. She pushed on his chest, breaking his hold on her wrist. “Go!” she said. “Go get him!”

Cassian gave her a look that she wasn’t likely to forget soon, before he turned and ran after the trafficker. Every bone in her screamed _go with him_. Her heart was pounding so hard, she was starting to think she could understand why people died of heartache.

Maybe one day.

She turned in the opposite direction and ran.


	2. so dark we forget who we are

The market place on Kariah was hot, sweaty and assaulted her nose with every scent. Along with the blazing triple suns, air pollution hung like a fog over the streets, highlighting the dust that kicked up under her feet and intensifying the temperature even more. Jyn Erso hadn’t exactly chosen to come here; she’d been given a free ride out of a slight mess she’d gotten herself into ( _she might have possibly stolen from the wrong person_ ), with the only downside being no choice in where the cargo shipment landed. She was stuck in this hellhole until she managed to find another way off-planet, and she had to do it before she melted. The high-rise buildings only made the heat worse, towering above the stalls and the crowds, so that it gave off the feeling of walking through a swamp.

But for what felt like the first time since she’d walked down the ship ramp and was hit with the blast of heat, she wasn’t currently thinking about the weather.

Jyn pulled the hood over her head even further as she eyed the man she had accidentally spotted across the crowded square. He looked like he was having just a miserable time as her dealing with the heat, sweat staining his shirt and his boots kicking the dusty bricks under his feet. Anyone who clearly hadn’t adapted to the climate stuck out from a mile away as being not from around here, and she and this man certainly had that in common. But the reason she had ground to a halt and nearly slammed into someone was that she recognised the man.

Cassian. The Rebel Intelligence Officer from the bar.

She hastily darted behind the nearest stall, a thrill quite unexpectedly hitting her. It might have been six months ago, but she wouldn’t forget him. She never would. She knew it had been stupid of her, she shouldn’t have let him buy her those drinks, shouldn’t have spoken to him under the dark lights of the cantina, shouldn’t have wished for another life where she was brave enough to run away to the Rebel Alliance with him, shouldn’t have kissed him for all he was worth out in the street … so many things she shouldn’t have done.

She needed to get out of there.

Jyn at least thanked herself for her paranoia in that she refused to brave the crowds without something hiding her face. She may have ripped the sleeves off her hooded jacket about ten minutes after landing here, but at least it offered her some protection from faces like Cassian’s who may recognise her. The contacts she’d been trying to find – a source that claimed they could get her a ride out of here – would simply have to wait. Jyn peered around the edge of the stand, watching as Cassian casually strolled the stalls on the other side of the square, one hand trying to subtly hold his shirt out away from his skin.

She was about to make a run for it when she frowned. Why would the Alliance have any interest whatsoever in a random Kariah marketplace?

 _Don’t do it, Jyn_.

She gritted her teeth. Damn it, she was doing it.

Jyn was careful to approach from behind, eyes scanning the crowd. He had to be here for a reason, she was sure. Hell, it meant that there could be spies, Imperials, literally anything hidden within the marketplace that she didn’t know about. When she was close enough that reaching out and calling his name would get his attention, however, she faltered slightly. She didn't know whether he would even care to see her again. Jyn had met a lot of people over the years. People who wanted to kill her, people who wanted to use her, people who wanted to kidnap her and sell her and maybe occasionally people who wanted to help her out, but … she’d never met anyone who just wanted to know her, before she had met Cassian. He hadn’t even seemed to care much that she refused to tell him her real name, that she had resolutely said no to his offer to join the Alliance. He had been content to sit next to her in that bar and just … talk.

He was the closest thing she had to a friend. Maybe she needed more of those.

“The heat damn near kills, huh?”

Cassian glanced around at her words. His eyes landed on her and a second later, the confusion turned to recognition. He froze right in the middle of the square, people rushing around them, though he didn’t seem to notice. “Well,” she added. “I know I’m dying, at least.”

His eyes never left her face. “How anyone stands it is beyond me.”

He was still the same. The warm accent, the scruffy beard, the hair that was slightly too long and hanging in his crinkled eyes, it was all him.

“The native Karian’s have a natural tolerance for the heat, I know that,” she said. “And we thought freezing was bad.”

“It’s good to see you,” Cassian said, his voice so genuine it made her inwardly shiver.

She offered him a weak smile in return.

“So are you following me, then?”

“You think I would have come here willingly?” Jyn asked. “Please.”

“So it is a complete and utter coincidence that we happened to both be here, on the same planet, at the same time?”

“Scary, right?”

Cassian almost laughed. “Come with me,” he said, reaching out and taking her arm. He pulled her alongside him and they fell into step next to each other, moving once more throughout the marketplace. The last time he’d said those words to her – _come with me_ – had been on a street outside a dirty cantina, and she had rejected him completely. She’d spent the last six months trying to not think about what might have happened if she’d said yes. Honestly, it would have been absolutely crazy to say yes! She didn’t stay out of prison by throwing her heart out on the line for any suave intelligence officer who happened to stray into her life. She didn’t stay alive by opening up, she stayed alive by keeping her head down, by not drawing attention, by ignoring anyone who dared approach her unless they had something she could get from them. Cassian had offered her nothing that she was willing to take, so yes, it had been a good decision to say no to him. A rational decision. A safe decision …

She hadn’t felt very safe, lately.

“So the Alliance has been treating you well?” she offered.

He stared at her a litle. “Are you actually making conversation?”

“We don’t have drinks to hide behind this time,” she pointed out.

No alcohol to blur the edges or help let down her guard. She was honestly trying. Cassian bumped her shoulder as they walked, though she couldn’t tell if it was accidentally or not. “Well, if you’re asking whether the Alliance enjoys sending me on these missions, the answer is definitely yes. They get a kick out of seeing me like this, I’m sure.”

“And you wonder why I said no to joining.”

“I wonder every day,” Cassian said.

That statement almost stabbed her in the stomach, or at least that’s what it felt like, so she promptly ignored it. A large clock tower stood up in the middle of the square and she started leading Cassian towards it; not that the meagre shade it provided did much. It was almost just as bad, if not worse, in the shade, but at least there was less chance of their skin burning. They found a free spot at the base of the tower and Jyn pressed her back to the hot stone, moving until she sat on the dirty bricks beneath her. Cassian joined her and the hundreds of other people all huddled under the clock tower out of the suns.

“So what’s your name now?” he asked her, talking to their feet. His shoulder was inches from hers.

“Kestrel. But you can still call me Liana.”

“That’s not fair,” Cassian argued. “You know my name.”

“Your mistake.”

“You know, I’m starting to get the feeling you’re afraid of something.”

“Please,” she snorted. “You’ve seen me in a fight.”  

“More than that,” Cassian turned his head to look at her, but she refused to meet his gaze. “I know that you are more than capable of firing a blaster. I know that someone shoots at you and you don’t back down. You aren’t scared of dying, at least.”

“No one should be,” Jyn shrugged. “Dying is easy.”

But truly, dying _was_ easy. Sometimes, when she was tired, on the days when she’d had it rough, had enough, she knew that she would get reckless. If a shuttle was heading in her direction, maybe she would wait slightly too long to get out of its way. Maybe she dared one too many people to fight her, maybe she wouldn’t really mind so much if she got shot one day. When you were the only person you could rely on, when the whole galaxy wanted you dead … it was hard to not believe it.

“Of course dying is easy,” Cassian said. “but we all die for different reasons.”

“And for what reasons would you die?” Jyn asked, finally turning and meeting his eyes, the ones that she remembered could burn more than the triple suns above them. “Your rebellion? Would you die for them?”

“If it meant the Empire would burn in hell, then yes,” Cassian said at once. “This is a war. It takes deaths to prevent deaths. Is that why you said no to joining? You don’t think the ideals of the Alliance justifies the amount of lives taken?”

“ _No_ , I said no because …” but the words fizzled from her mouth, because honestly, saying them out loud just proved how pathetic she was. She hated the Empire, she hated them with all the loathing she could muster, but she also hated Saw Gerrera. She hated being that stupid, naïve 16 year old girl who had been so certain that he would come back for her, that she hadn’t been abandoned, clearly something had just happened to him, if he’s not coming then she needed to go rescue him, she needed to help him … he was gone. She had eventually left that bunker he’d told her to hide in, certain that he was in trouble and that was why he hadn’t come, only to find that his entire base had shipped out and had disappeared. He'd left her behind. He had told her to wait so he could just _leave her_ to fend for herself.

 _Stop it_. Her brain screamed whenever those memories came back up again.

(Yes, Saw had certainly left her with some rough beliefs about the rebellion).

“I said no because maybe the rebellion hurts just as much as the Empire,” she said quietly. 

“Maybe for you. Not for everyone,” Cassian insisted immediately, but then he sighed. She could feel him watching her, as she sat there on the bricks, trying not to let him see her eyes stinging. “… what happened?” he added. 

“I lost everything.”

“And that’s why you’re living like this now?”

“Why I’m living like a homeless thief, you mean?” She laughed before swiping angrily at her eyes. “This is ridiculous,” she said. “I don’t even know you! You know nothing about me, and I’m talking about things that I haven’t spoken about out loud for at least 3 years–”

“Then let’s talk about something else,” Cassian said. There was a slight pause in his voice then that confused her and she looked back to see him apparently stewing over his next words, as if he wasn’t quite sure whether to say them or not. Then, he steeled himself, 

“Actually, let’s do something else. Have dinner with me tonight.”

She stared at him. He absolutely had to be kidding.

“Are you nuts?”

But Cassian just smiled slowly. “What, you’ll kiss me, but you won’t even let me buy you dinner?”

Jyn felt her face flushing red, much to her irritation. She was glad to still be hiding behind her hood. “I hope you realise I don’t dress up for dinners.”

“Wouldn’t expect anything else.”

“You better be paying, because I have no money.”

“Of course.”

“And I’m bringing my blaster.”

“Wouldn’t have anything less,” Cassian slowly clambered to his feet, wincing as his sweaty shirt clung to his skin. “Will I see you later, then?”

Jyn climbed to her feet as well, ignoring the hand that he was holding out to her. “Guess you’ll just have to wait and see,” she answered, before turning and diving back into the burning sunshine.

 

* * *

 

The temperature didn’t drop on Kariah just because the suns had set. If anything, the nights here were worse, as nothing was grosser than trying to sleep in sweat-soaked sheets. Most people slept outside on their roofs here, although Jyn just had an alleyway that she was currently calling home. She was absolutely serious in that she had nothing else to change into; her latest set of clothes had been stolen from under the nose of a sleeping washroom attendant. Cassian hadn’t specified a time or place to meet, but she went back to the clock tower on instinct when the ruby red of the last sun was just washing over the city, and sure enough, she spotted his tall frame waiting for her.

This was the stupidest thing she’d ever done ( _even worse than kissing him_ ).

She had said too much earlier. She had gotten way too into her reasons for living this way, let him get in far too deep. She should be running, not letting him buy her dinner. But honestly, she hadn’t had a decent meal in months, and watching him stand there waiting with his hands shoved into his pant pockets and in a clean shirt, she very suddenly and desperately wanted to know how it might feel to later shove him up against the clock tower.

Jyn shook her head. _Keep it together_.

“Hey,” she called. “What’s somebody like you doing in a place like this?”

Cassian glanced up and clearly tried not to grin.

He hesitated outside the restaurant that he had apparently chosen. He gestured vaguely and began, “I’m not sure, but um–” only for Jyn to slap his arm away and claim that if she couldn’t get at least three courses, she was calling him the worst date she’d ever had ( _she tried to not think about how this was basically the only date she’d ever had_ ). “Seriously,” she eventually said to him over their table. She’d never heard of most of the menu options, but at least it didn’t taste bad. “The Alliance really must hate you if they’re sending you here, of all places.”

“Thank you for putting that thought in my head,” Cassian shot her a look. Their table was thankfully secluded enough that their conversation would be hard to overhear by anyone, yet close enough to the kitchens that they could escape should something go awry. “Remember that trafficking ring I was investigating six months ago?”

“It led you here?”

“I’ve been trying to locate our missing recruits,” Cassian nodded. “That man we shot – he didn’t give away much.”

“I take it you haven’t found them yet, then?”

Cassian shook his head. “You haven’t heard anything, have you?”

“How would I know?”

“You're the one who lives on the fringes of society – oh! Wait, I don’t mean that like …” She hadn’t been offended, but she appreciated him assuring her anyway. “It’s just … you see things, you hear things, that others pretend not to, or quickly look away from. You’re not scared to take notice.”

But she was. Cassian thought he knew her, but he had no idea. All she was ever scared of was taking notice. If she finally looked up then someone else might see her, notice her in return. She kept her head down, it was how she survived, until that reckless day she had looked up under the lights of the bar.

Cassian had noticed her. He made her heart pound whenever he looked at her like that.

“I’ll – I’ll keep an eye out,” she offered, hoping he wouldn’t notice the way she was looking back at him. They hadn’t even hit dessert yet. “How did you know about this place?” she asked then, gesturing around them.

“Oh,” Cassian said. “I was here yesterday, a lead that hit a dead end. But they have great wine, I was told.”

“And we didn’t order any?”

“The wine here is a lot stronger,” Cassian glanced at his plate. “I remembered you didn’t like it too strong.”

Jyn bit her lip trying not to smile.

They ate quietly for a few minutes. It was a kind of silence that she didn’t feel the need to punctuate with meaningless chatter, and it seemed that she and Cassian both felt comfortable with it. She watched him from the corner of her eye as they ploughed through the main course and finally got to dessert. No, he didn’t really know her, and she didn’t really know him, and it would be a terrible idea to try and remedy that, but he’d hit a nerve earlier at the clock tower. She was scared of a lot of things. She came off as brave and impenetrable, but truth was she honestly wasn’t. She had simply covered herself up so much that it was impossible to see.

It was exhausting protecting yourself.

Maybe … maybe she should let a little of herself through.

“My name is Jyn,” she suddenly whispered.

Cassian’s head snapped up so quickly from his dessert that he winced. “Sorry?”

“Jyn. That’s … that’s my real name.”

“Jyn,” Cassian repeated it slowly, his expression widening into a smile. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“I’m sorry that I won’t join your rebellion,” she said, voice even quieter. “I’ve spent so long not caring that I just …”

“You’ve been hurt before,” Cassian guessed, softly. “By the rebellion, I mean.”

“Yes.”

He breathed in deeply. “Jyn, it’s ok,” he said. “I would never … I figure you don’t ever do something that you don’t want to. But I want you to know, whatever faction of the Alliance you encountered, whoever it was that hurt you, they were an anomaly. That is not what we are about, and I hope you realise that.”

“I know.”

“Do you … want to talk about it?”

“ _No_ ,” she said, quite suddenly and loudly that a couple several tables over actually turned in their direction. She cringed and added, “I’m sorry, sorry–”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Cassian assured her.

Jyn turned to the other table once more, hoping with some embarrassment that the couple weren’t still staring at them. This conversation was getting way too personal as it was. However, if her heart was pounding before, it was nothing compared to the race it burst into when she noticed the eyes still in their direction.

“Cassian.”

“I swear, it’s ok–”

“No, Cassian – the table over there–” she whispered, jerking her head. “They're watching us.”

Cassian subtly followed her gaze, a frown etching his face. “I don’t recognise them. Do you?”

“They're local, as far as I can tell,” She glanced around them and with a sinking feeling, noticed it under the table. “Cassian, I think they’ve spotted the blaster on your ankle, it’s showing where your pants have ridden up–”

Cassian swore, moving to tug his pants down. The couple hastily went back to their meal, but it seemed that the damage had been done. Their waiter had noticed now, and was in serious discussion with who looked like their boss behind the bar. Jyn knew Kariah was strict about their weapon possession, and she certainly couldn’t afford another arrest, especially on a foreign planet she was trying desperately to get off of. “We need to get out of here,” she said at once, dropping her spoon. Her dessert was staring wistfully at her half-finished, but it wasn’t worth it.  

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve been living among these people long enough to know that we’re about 2 seconds away from having the police called on us,” Jyn hissed. She noticed a break in the waiter’s attention and she lunged across the table, grabbing Cassian’s hand. “Quick!”

Turns out that the kitchen doors had been an escape route they’d needed after all. They suddenly burst through the doors, startling chefs and causing dishes to go crashing as they raced through the pots and pans. They stumbled out into a back alley with a flurry of shouts after them, hands still clutching each other’s and glancing around frantically at the blackness that greeted them, the dark, oppressive heat that had hit as soon as they’d left the cooled inside.

“Which way–?” 

“Come on!” Jyn cried, practically dragging Cassian after her. She knew roughly where they were, and by the time she’d managed to locate the right alleyway, the voices that had followed them were far in the distance.

“Where–?”

“Shhh!” Jyn slammed him probably a little too hard into the alley wall, pressing him into the darkness with a hand and trying to listen. They were far away enough that she thought if they stayed silent, they wouldn’t be found. The police wouldn’t be bothered straying too far from the restaurant in this heat. “I think we’ll lose them, we just need to stay quiet.”

But Cassian was trying not to laugh.

“I think I know a way–”

His hands had slid to her waist. He moved and before she could think, he had crushed his lips to hers. _I’m not sure this is going to help us keep quiet_ , she wanted to say. She responded in earnest, skipping the niceties and opening her mouth to him. It was so unlike their previous kiss in the street. It wasn’t rushed, it wasn’t regretful, it was full of everything they might have had. This was taking advantage of their time, however little of it there might be. She allowed herself to mould to his body, pressing against him, winding her arms around his neck and into his hair. It was reckless and stupid, but she’d never felt less scared in her life.

She’d never felt so alive.

It went on longer than the first kiss, but still not long enough. She would have continued ( _maybe hitch a leg around him, maybe let him shove her against the wall a little_ ) but adrenaline was still pumping through her and she needed to know they were safe. She pulled away to scan their alley, to listen, all while trying to ignore the way Cassian’s lips had moved to her neck. “I – I think we’re clear–” she whispered.

“Good,” Cassian muttered against her skin. Heat engulfed them as his hands started to get a little braver, wander a bit further. “Then let’s get out of here–”

“Go where?”

“I have a ship,” Cassian practically growled, sending a shudder through her. Much to her disappointment, he abruptly backed off, pushing her gently away so that he could move, bring a comlink to his mouth ( _god, that mouth_ ), “K-2 – yes, yes, I’m coming back now, but I need you to leave _–_ ”

Jyn watched, completely torn. Most of her screamed to just go with him. Go back to his ship, wherever it might be. She’d broken enough of her own rules, she might as well.

Just go, go and be loved for one night.

But from the look on his face, she knew. She knew that that wasn’t going to be enough for him. He had apparently fallen as much as she had, despite her past, despite her reluctance to share, despite how little time they’d known each other, despite everything, it seemed. This man had the potential to love her, and she was utterly terrified of it. She knew without a doubt that she would leave before the first sun ever came up, and she wouldn’t do that to him, couldn’t.

“I can’t.”

She winced at the look on his face.

He slowly lowered the comlink. “I … if I did something …” he began.

“No,” she said firmly. “no, you didn't. But while I could give you tonight, I couldn’t give you tomorrow, and I don’t think you’d be ok with that.”

Cassian sighed. She was thankful more than ever for the cover of darkness, not having to meet his eyes. “I’d honestly thought I’d never see you again,” he said. “I never imagined we’d come across each other on a random planet like this, so far from where we first met.”

“Well if it happened once,” Jyn whispered. She felt herself take a step closer, moving back into his space. “maybe it will happen again.”

“Until that day, then?”

He didn’t touch her, but she could feel him close enough that his breath tickled her cheek. Maybe until that day. Maybe until a time she wasn’t so broken. Maybe until she wasn’t scared anymore, if that ever happened …

“Until that day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I can be convinced to do anything, lololololol. This fic will span a few of their meetings until the canon meeting! Not gonna pretend I really know what I'm doing beyond that (I'm literally making this up as I go, haha). But thank you so so much everyone who's encouraged me!!! I love you all, I hope you liked this x 
> 
> (I am on Le Tumble as @moonprincess92nz if yall wanna scream about rebelcaptain with me!)


	3. where all the scars

The third time they met wasn’t exactly all by chance.

Though Jyn honestly hadn’t made any conscious decisions that would somehow lead her back to the side of the Rebel Intelligence Officer. No, he was a spy, a solider, it would be impossible to try and track him down in the first place. She hadn’t ever purposefully set out to try and find him again … but admittedly, she’d left a small piece of herself behind in that alleyway on Kariah, and she was starting to wonder whether she’d subconsciously attempted to fill its absence with the choices that had led her here anyway.

Staring at him from across the crowded dance floor.

Jyn had almost laughed when she’d seen him, because of course.  _Of course_. It had barely been eight weeks since they had last left each other with only a searing kiss to remember on dark nights alone. And amazingly, she hadn’t seemed to have caught him while he was on a mission this time, unless dancing like that was one of the Alliance’s new tactics these days. Now that she looked back, all her choices must have had him in mind – it was rumoured that there was a rebel outpost based near this city, and the club she had found herself in had a name she could barely pronounce, the music something she’d never heard before ( _well, the language maybe she’d heard a little before_ ). She’d actually been looking for a weapons smuggler, the name of which had ended up sending her to this place, but she had to have mixed it up in translation somewhere. She couldn’t imagine this being the type of place to be selling illegal weapons out of back rooms.

The club was dark, but colourful. Bright lanterns and strings of bulbs flashed and lit up the otherwise black dance floor, which was heaving with bodies. They pulsed back and forth in time with the heavy beat and she watched as Cassian moved, dancing with several others with a kind of raw skill that could only come from childhood practice. His shirt was as stained as it had been on Kariah, but it was a different kind of sweat this time; the sweat of physical exertion, of movement and freedom. He must have sensed her gaze, because he eventually looked up across the floor and suddenly, their eyes were meeting.

She did not have the right to feel so happy.

Jyn wished she could look away. His face lit up under the lights as his eyes landed on her and he immediately started to edge through the crowd. Her heart was utterly pounding, panicking – what did she do? What should she do?  _What did she want to do?_ – until he reached her. She waited for him to say something, because she was quite certain she would choke on her own tongue if she tried.

“I can’t believe it," he gaped, shaking his head. "are we both really here right now?” 

“It would seem so.”

His smile was something out of this galaxy. Her insides burned. She ached to be closer, but this man was too close already. Something inside her was pulling her towards him, even across worlds, apparently, and it was scaring her a lot. This wasn’t the way to stay safe, this was the way to rebellion and she didn’t want to admit that more and more each day, she was imagining what he would say if he could see her, living her life as a criminal and a thief. He would say her skills could be of better use somewhere else. Every day she wished that she’d had the courage to say  _ok_.

Who kept allowing them to meet like this? Jyn had never believed in fate, but she had been taught to trust the Force.

Maybe there was something larger at work here after all.

“Would you like a drink?” Cassian asked her.

“There’s no need to buy me drinks this time, Cassian.”

He grinned. “Then what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?”

“We ask each other that way too often.”

“Yes, but we never really get answers,” Cassian shrugged. She noticed him still swaying slightly to the beat of the music, like something inside him simply couldn’t help itself.

“I was looking for a weapons smuggler, but I think I’ve gotten the wrong place. You?”

“There’s a rebel outpost not far from here,” he kept his voice low, moving closer so that he could still be heard. She didn’t mind him stepping into her space, bending his mouth towards her ear. “I've been stationed there the last month or so, recruiting in the city.”

“Did you ever find your missing recruits in the end?”

“From Kariah? After tracking them halfway across the galaxy, yes,” Cassian answered. “It was a harder mission than I’d originally thought it would be.”

“Oh, really?”

“I ran into some trouble in places,” Cassian explained. “First, there was this guy in a cantina, but don’t worry, this seriously incredible girl shot him in the leg before he could get away. Then later on another planet, I was nearly arrested for unregistered possession of a weapon.”

“You obviously got away.”

“Yeah, would you believe that same girl was there?” Cassian asked. “She got us out of trouble. Amazing woman, I might be a bit enamoured.”

“You ever see her again?”

“I’m not sure,” Cassian said. “Sometimes I think I see her in a crowd somewhere, or just out of the corner of my eye, but I blink and it’s never her.”

“Well, if she doesn’t turn up again,” Jyn offered her hand.

Cassian took it. They were so close now that it was hard to retain eye contact, but there was something more intimate about this lack of space between them. She didn’t know what it was that kept drawing them in like this. There was something, a spark, a flame, that simultaneously sent shivers down her spine and set her on fire. And there was no denying that Cassian had to feel it as well. They were both as enamoured as each other apparently, and it was terrible and wonderful all at the same time.

Jyn had never in her life intended on allowing herself this kind of luxury, and she feared it showed. She’d never before had the privilege of letting her guard down, and it was so incredibly stupid of her to be doing it now. She still barely knew the man! They had only met twice after all, and there was absolutely no room for mistakes in her life, no room for drinks or dates or stolen, passionate kisses in alleyways. Cassian held her hand and for a moment, Jyn wondered if she felt this way only because of the longing she had for someone to care for her.

It would make sense, after all.

She sighed but Cassian obviously hadn't been clued in to where her thoughts had gone. After seeing him move out on the dance floor Jyn should have expected anything from him in response to her offering. However, she was still thrown when Cassian used the hand he held to suddenly twirl her under his arm. Uncoordinated, she staggered slightly as she faced him once more, the lights having blurred and burned into streaks behind her eyes. “What was that?” she burst out, face flushing red.

“Don’t you dance?”

“No,” she said firmly. “I’m horrible at it.”

Cassian laughed a little as he said, “But I love to dance!” He let go of her hand to gesture around them. She regretted it a little. “The theme of this place is based on the culture of my home-planet. The man who owns it is also from Fest, and so are several other soldiers at the outpost, so we like to come here in the off hours, if we can.”

“Is the dancing a Fest thing as well?” Jyn asked. She didn’t know much, if anything, about the planet Fest, but she was certain what she was seeing had to be unique in some way. She’d never seen dancing like it. The dance floor pulsed together with the beat, the movement all in the hips. She watched one couple nearby, the woman almost wrapped around her partner, singing to the words she didn’t understand as they thrusted and shimmied. Jyn might have looked away if she hadn’t been so mesmerised. It didn’t look like there was much to it, but then again, Jyn had never done such a thing in her life.

Remembering Cassian dancing like that (let alone dancing with  _her_ like that) sent heat sizzling from head to toe.

Cassian glanced back to the dance floor. “I wouldn’t say it’s any one style, but we do tend to get a little wild when we come together,” he answered her. “Are you sure you don’t dance?”

“Don’t you dare,” Jyn threatened. “I wouldn’t have the first clue.”

“Even when I know for a fact that you know how to move those hips of yours?” he mentioned lightly. 

His words sent her straight back to the alleyway on Kariah.  _Goddamn him_ , she thought. “That – that is not the same,” she bit out.

“Ah – I see it,” Cassian reached out, took hold of both her hands this time. “Somewhere inside, a part of you wants to dance.”

“No – Cassian!” Her heart suddenly burst into overdrive as he gently tugged on her hands, walking her backwards towards the dance floor. “Seriously, I can’t–”   

“Can’t or won’t?”

“ _Cassian_ –” But as much as she was protesting, she was still letting her feet get dragged after him, the two plunging into the depths of the crowd. The music hit her somewhere and he was right. She wanted to, more than she was willing to admit. Why did she always find herself here? Always wanting, always holding back, why couldn’t she ever just let herself enjoy things–?

It was dancing. Just dancing, Jyn. If she could kiss this man, go to dinner with him, then surely she could dance with him, despite her embarrassment and severe lack of ability to move in time to anything.

“I’ll warn you, I wasn’t exaggerating when I said I was horrible at this.”

“Then it’s a good thing you don’t really need any skills,” Cassian must feel her slowly releasing the tension in her muscles, no longer resisting him. They had a spot deep in the crowd, and it felt like a dream; people jostled them from all angles, she could feel the music all the way in her chest. She wanted to move as close as the others were, she wanted to know how it felt to be wrapped around him like the woman she’d seen before, but she didn’t know where on earth to start. Luckily, Cassian had her.

He let go of her hands to reach out for her waist. “First, bend your knees,” he told her. “Then, move your hips with the music. Don’t worry about what anyone else is thinking, nobody cares what you look like, ok?”

“Oh … nice to know,” Jyn glanced around anxiously.

“Well, maybe I care a little,” Cassian mentioned. “but not how you’re probably fearing.”

“Oh, I’m fearing it.”

“There’s no such thing as a bad dancer,” Cassian insisted. “If you’re enjoying it, having a good time, then you’re dancing right.”

His words sounded well and good, but it was hard to let go of the self-consciousness. She didn’t want to be that person who awkwardly thrust their hips, clearly having no idea what they were doing. Jyn found herself glancing around her once more, until Cassian brought her back. “ _Watch me_ ,” he said, looking straight at her. “Don’t worry, just keep your eyes on me.”

Her heart was still slamming, but she forced her gaze to stay on him. Finally, she at least tried to let go. Cassian’s hands at her waist were warm and heavy and she focused on them. She wanted to feel those hands everywhere, and that was the thought she kept in her head as she tried to fit in with the dance. He grinned as he moved with her. “That’s it–” he encouraged.

“I feel ridiculous.”

He laughed as the current song suddenly came to an end. For a second she felt a twinge of disappointment, but then the next kicked in and it drummed into her. This beat was faster, apparently more popular, as several people around them started cheering as the intro thumped out. The excitement was infectious, and with the faster beat, Jyn slowly got into a tentative rhythm. This song contained no lyrics, though the melody was still sung out in wordless humming and yelling. She let her hips swing, let Cassian move closer. His stance was low and they were eye to eye, able to match her grin as their bodies met. He took hold of her wrists and slung her arms around his neck. She had never moved like this with another person before and a thrill ripped through her where their hips met. They had come so close to spending a night moving like this in a rather different way. She had missed the way he felt against her body, the way his hands had wandered …

There was no rhyme or reason to their dance. There were no pre-arranged steps, no choreography, just everything made up on the spot. Jyn found herself gaining slightly more confidence as the music carried on, picking up a slower grind as the beat changed again. Cassian’s hands burned as they roamed up and down her back. She was building a sweat that matched his and she didn’t care that she was too hot, that every roll of his hips made her flush even more. There was no need to speak, as their dancing did the talking for them, but she wanted to know more, wanted to know everything.

“Have you always danced like this?” she yelled over the music. She kept one arm around his neck, the other hand trailing down his arm.

“I used to dance in the streets as a kid,” Cassian admitted. “Everyone would. I don’t … I don’t dance as much these days.”

“That Empire,” Jyn wasn’t quite sure what was coming over her. “maybe we’d all get along if they just danced a little.”

He smirked. “You’re doing rather well for a girl who insisted she couldn’t dance.”

“Get Vader on the comlink, I’ll give him lessons.” 

Jyn Erso had never exactly been known for her humour. She didn’t know where in the galaxy that had even come from, but Cassian laughed. It was a ridiculous, head-thrown-back laugh that made her try and hide her face so that he wouldn’t see how much she liked it.

“Jyn, I am so glad I met you.”

His words struck her deep.  _So am I_ rang through her head, and it was honestly true. She had been wrong earlier. Somehow, this wasn’t an admiration coming from a place of loneliness, abandonment or isolation. This was something they’d found accidentally, something they hadn’t asked for, but gotten anyway. She could blame the Force, she could blame whatever she liked, but whether they had first met in that dirty cantina, here on this dance floor, or perhaps in several years’ time, she was sure that they’d still have whatever this connection was.

The question was whether she was going to let herself do anything about it.

“I’m not that good a dancer,” she muttered. 

“No, no, you are perfect–” He took her hand, stepping back and pulling away, before spinning her back into his side. She stumbled through the turn, but found herself trying not to laugh as she slammed back into him.

“I didn’t think the Rebel Alliance would consider dancing as a required skill for their forces.”

“What if they did?” Cassian’s eyes said something as she was pulled back into his arms. He dipped her back, her hair threatening to escape the ratty bun she consistently wore it in.

She felt brave enough to curl a leg around his as she was hauled back upright. “I might be convinced.”

It took her a moment to realise that she wasn’t kidding. Maybe about the dancing being a prerequisite for signing up, but if the rebellion wanted her, Jyn realised that she could seriously let Cassian talk her into it. He was clearly thrown, but soon recovered enough to grin, their faces inches from each other. His hand ran over the leg she had wrapped around him and he hitched it up to his hip. She struggled to hold back a rather embarrassing noise at that. 

“We could use your skills,” he said, voice slipping into something lower as they slowly moved. He was so close she could feel his breath, their foreheads pressed together, his nose bumping hers. “Jyn … come with me. Join.”

This wasn’t so much a dance as it was an embrace now. She didn’t care.

“It would be such a stupid decision …”

“The rebellion is built on stupid decisions.”

“I guess I really do hate the Empire …”

“Enough to fight it?”

Of course enough to fight it, but it wasn’t about that. It was about protecting herself against what had burned her in the past. The rebellion had hurt her, but if meeting Cassian had changed anything in her, it was that he had reminded her that doing nothing could be just as bad as working for the Empire.

Not everyone had the choice to fight.

She opened her eyes. Jyn wasn’t even sure when she’d closed them, but she opened them to see his face only to get distracted by something over his shoulder. She frowned at the man who had approached the club bar. His clothes were immaculate, formal – he stuck out from a mile away – and it was clear that patrons around him were uneasy at his presence. It set off the alarms in her head and Jyn knew by this point to never ignore her gut instincts. She squeezed Cassian’s shoulder.

“I think we might be in trouble.”

“Sorry?”

“Someone just walked in and he looks like an Imperial – seriously!” she added at his face. She prompted them to spin, making it a part of the dance so that her back was now to the bar, Cassian able to spy over her.

“I see him – that’s not right–” Cassian’s arms had been slung casually around her waist, only now she felt him tighten his grip slightly. “This is a nightclub, why would they–?”

“Unless they know,” Jyn suddenly grabbed his arms. “Cassian! You said that you and the other rebels liked to come here, what if they found out? How many of you are here tonight?”

Cassian stared at her for a second, then cursed loudly in that first language that was obviously native to Fest. She had to admire that it only took several seconds for him to go from a carefree man enjoying a night out to a hardened spy once more. “This entire place is a target,” Cassian snarled, letting her go to reach down and pull a small blaster from his boot. “I knew it was stupid, I’m so stupid – we have to get out of here, warn the others–” 

BOOM.

Before they could move anywhere, the Imperial it seemed had struck. The grenade thrown into the dance floor exploded with a force that threw them back several feet. Jyn hit the sticky floor, her ears ringing. Her body felt completely battered. Something hard landed on her, sending pain stabbing through her, but they had to move,  _move_ –

“Cassian!” she couldn’t even hear her own voice. “ _Cassian!_ ”

“I’m here!” his voice was right next to her. It was dull and tinny but she could understand him at least. “Are you hurt?”

“I don’t think so–”

“Come on!” He grabbed her arm, both of them staggering to their feet. Jyn could hardly believe what had happened. Suddenly there were bodies everywhere, the music still pounding dully and adding to the din of screams and cries. The rebels who had been a part of the crowd were starting to converge, pulling blasters out of nowhere, yelling across the wreckage. The bar was burning, smoke starting to haze over. 

“Jyn!” Cassian was yanking on her sleeve. “Jyn, can you hear me?!”

“Mostly,” she said.

“Where’s your weapon?”

“I don’t have one, I told you I was here trying to find a smuggler!”

Cassian cursed again, before reaching to his other boot where apparently, he had a second blaster (of course he did). He shoved it into her hands, ignoring the look she gave him at the thought of him coming out to a nightclub still armed somehow. He ran into the carnage, Jyn on his heels. “Stride!” he yelled.

The man Jyn had seen dancing with the woman earlier looked up from the club floor. Stride's face was glazed with tears and was utterly furious. “Get back to base, Captain,” he ground out.

“Is she–?”

“I’m going to kill the sons of bitches,” Stride snarled, climbing back to his feet. Jyn felt something hit her when she noticed the woman at his feet.

“I’ll call K-2, he’ll extract any of our wounded,” Cassian gripped the other rebel’s shoulder. “We need to make our own way–”

The blaster bolt was shot right between them. Apparently hitting the club wasn’t enough: Stormtroopers had been called in to finish the job. Stride was lost in the sea of running, hiding, hitting the floor. Jyn’s brain was whirring as it tried to take in everything at once. She and Cassian both aimed at the troopers bursting in, running to take cover behind the half demolished bar.

“This is familiar,” she mentioned.

“Jyn,” Cassian turned to look at her desperately. “Are you with me?”

At this point, there was no question.

“All the way.”

* * *

 

They managed to blast a gap through the line of fire. They burst out into the dark street, though the situation wasn't much better out there. The night had still been young, full of party-goers, and it was now a confused mess of chaos. Cassian was yelling into a comlink at anyone who might hear him: the aforementioned K-2, the rebel outpost, any of the others who may have survived the attack on the club. The Stormtroopers were actively going after them, apparently not caring how many civilians got in the way. Jyn covered as Cassian concentrated on speaking. He led the way, she had his back as they pushed through.

“They’re following us from the club!” Jyn yelled to Cassian. She fired point blank at a trooper's head. “How do we lose them?”  

“I don’t – WAIT–” Cassian shouted. “Left,  _left_ –”

They hurtled around the corner. They had reached the main road, only to run into more terrified crowds of people. In the dark it was hard to pick apart faces, tell whether any of the other rebels had made it out of the club as well. They might not know until they got back to the base and found themselves the only ones there. Jyn glanced behind them and noticed the Stormtroopers agitatedly scanning the crowd. She let out a breath. If they could remain lost in the crowd, they may get out alive.

And they had to get out alive.

“It was stupid,  _so stupid_ ,” Cassian was muttering.

“Hey,” Jyn snapped, quickly hiding her blaster by tucking into her belt. “stop it, this wasn’t your fault.”

“We –  _I_  should have known better,” Cassian practically spat, refusing to look at her. “I’m a soldier, damn it, I don’t know what the hell we were doing coming out here–”

“You wanted a life,” Jyn grabbed his hand. It helped them stay together in the crowd, although she might have taken it anyway. “Cassian, if all you do is fight, spy, be a rebel, then you’re not even living. I know all about that. I never do anything for myself and I think tonight was the most fun I’ve ever had.” 

They didn’t pause in the hurry of the crowd trying to get out of the city, but his gaze turned to her. It said everything he could have possibly said out loud.

Unfortunately, they hit more problems further down the road. The Imperials had apparently set up a road block. It stretched the entire street, and Jyn was pretty sure that if they tried to find any other way out of the city, they would find that blocked as well. They both stopped dead.

“What do we do?” Jyn asked.

They carefully followed the crowd once more, slower now, trying to get closer to see what was happening. A large spotlight was beaming down on the road block, showing the Imperials who were ruthlessly checking and scanning everyone who was trying to get through. Jyn tried not to let it affect her, but immediately she knew how this was going to go down before Cassian even said anything. Her heart was sinking until it was gone  completely.

“We blend in,” Cassian said determinedly. “They only suspect a rebel outpost, they don’t know who exactly we are. We’re won’t be on record, they’ll think we’re just civilians who got stuck in the crossfire. Just don’t show your blaster and stay close–”

“I can’t go through.”

Cassian stared at her. “What do you mean?”

“You might not be on record,” Jyn couldn’t take her eyes away from the Imperials. “but I am.”

And it wasn’t just another alias that would be on file. No other name would be as recognisable as Jyn Erso ( _daughter of Galen Erso_ ). She hated her father now more than ever. She would be detained, taken away at once. Maybe her father was dead, she didn’t know, but maybe he was alive and they would force her to help him work for the Empire. Maybe he had defected, run away, and they would torture her for news of his whereabouts. Whatever might happen to her, the possibilities were endless, and she wasn’t getting this far just to get arrested by the goddamn  _Empire_.

No way.

“I’ll find another way out,” Jyn said.

“Then I’ll come too–”

“Don’t even think about it,” she thundered. “You go through the check point. I’ll meet you somewhere. Do you know anywhere I can easily find?”

Cassian was staring at her once more. That look said many things. But this was the only choice, the only way she could get through and still go with him, still join the rebellion. She hadn’t ever given him a direct answer, but he must know. She refused to needlessly endanger him and wasn't going to fight him on it. He must have known it would be no use to argue as eventually, he sighed and told her of a drop off point the rebels often used, in a warehouse on the road east out of the city.

“I  _will_ see you there,” Cassian insisted.

“You will,” Jyn said.

She needed to let go, but her fingers only clenched around his tighter. In the shadows at the edge of the anxious crowd, they both moved. Maybe one day they would have a kiss that wasn’t desperate, wasn’t limited by time or ever cut short, but today was not that day. They gripped each other tightly, much like they had on the dance floor. She didn’t think, just breathed him in as his hands held her face.

She had fallen far too deep into this. She was starting to be ok with that.

“I’ll see you on the other side,” she said, forcing herself to pull away.

“I’m holding you to it,” Cassian answered.

She turned and ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dirty Dancing 2 was a shamless influence here, ngl ;DDDD  
> Thank you so much for all the encouragement on this fic, omg!!! Before I forget, I must do a shout out to LadyNJ, as she gave me the idea for continuing this in the first place (thank you!!!).  
> So they've been out for drinks, dinner and now dancing! Gosh, these kids are totally dating, lol. Will admit, still don't really have a set plan for where this is going, but they'll met again for sure.  
> Literally thank you so much for all your comments, it means so much. I hope yall liked it! xoxo


	4. from the nevers

A space station probably wasn’t the ideal place to be on the run from the Empire.

But then again, you don’t have much choice when you’re a convicted criminal.

Jyn had only docked an hour ago, having bought herself passage on a cargo ship with stolen money (it was some garbage Corellian ship, but it had done the job and the owner had asked no questions) and already, her image was everywhere. She had seen not only the space station security sharing holographs of her, but rumours were spreading that an Imperial ship was also on its way. This was a mistake. A terrible mistake. She could hide, but they would find her, they always found her, she had to run –

Everything had gone wrong after the last time they had met. She had been so stupid to think that she could simply escape the city undetected. She’d thought she could just slip through the shadows and meet Cassian once more, the two of them then blasting off together into eternal sunsets and bliss. In reality, Jyn had fought hard, fought until her mouth bled, but they had still caught her. She had told him that they would meet on the other side, but instead she had been dragged away in cuffs, a blaster wound in her shoulder.

She had spent seven months in Imperial prison before she had managed to break out.

She tried not to think of him most days. Tried not to imagine what he must have thought when she didn’t show. Maybe he’d thought she was in trouble and had tried to find her, but most likely he would have assumed she’d just changed her mind, wasn’t going to join him. After all, being connected to the Rebel Alliance had gotten her nearly killed in a nightclub, and she’d said no before, hadn’t she? _No, forget it, Jyn_. Forget what she felt. At the end of the day, she fought to survive.

( _And besides, if he really had thought her in trouble, surely he would have searched the galaxy relentlessly, tracked her down, tried to rescue–?_ )

Dangerous thoughts. These were all dangerous thoughts and useless to her now. Five months ago she had managed to break free, and the Imperials were still after her. She could change her name, but she couldn’t change her face. The space station was a mistake. It was contained, there was nowhere to go. She could only hide.

It’s hard to hide when everyone recognises you.

“ _Jyn_.”

Something ripped through her at the sound of her real name.

No. She didn’t have time for this. She couldn’t do this now. That wasn’t his voice, it _wasn’t_ –

“I can’t believe it’s – holy shit – _Jyn!_ ”

“I’m sorry,” She didn’t stop, couldn’t stop. She turned though, feet still moving. “Cassian, I’m so sorry, but I can’t–”

It had been an entire year since they’d last seen each other, but suddenly there he was. The Force was apparently still working to bring them together and she might have screamed in that moment, crowds be damned, if she weren’t so scared of capture. He looked a little more wary, a little more battle-hardened, but it was definitely him in front of her, facial hair unkempt and a look in his eyes that made her wilt. He reached out a hand.

“Wait–” 

“I can’t,” she pleaded. He was looking at her in disbelief and she willed him to see the desperation in her eyes, understand, _please understand, I can’t do this right now, I wish I could, I wish for a lot of things, but this clearly was never meant to be and I’m going to die if you don’t let me go …_

“You’re in trouble,” he said, quietly. “Aren’t you?”

“Either let me go,” she insisted. “or you will be too.”

It was only a moment before he answered, “Then I guess we’re both running.”

He asked no questions and she didn’t offer answers. She just let him follow, both of them pounding through the station. They were in the commercial wing on the 114th floor, level 6, the streets lined with shops and customers. Their boots thundered against the metal grating under their feet as Jyn practically shoved her way through the crowd. Elbows, shoulders, she didn’t care, she just needed to get away. She had no plan, nothing but run, just keep running, if you run fast enough maybe they’ll eventually forget about you.

Cassian would never forget about her.

“Here–” he suddenly said.

He pulled on her hand and she let herself get tugged sideways. There was a small hallway nestled between two shops and he was pulling her down it. It seemed to be a maintenance space, with a locked door at the end that probably contained cleaning supplies. A sign on the door claimed ‘ _Staff only_ ’ in five different languages and the narrow hallway was empty save for the bucket and mop that a droid must have left behind. They hid with their backs against the wall, shoulder to shoulder, their heavy breaths suddenly far too loud and her face far too hot.

“Did anyone notice us?” Jyn asked, trying to keep the shaking out of her voice.

“I don’t think so,” Cassian said.

“This isn’t safe–”

“It’ll do for now,” Cassian insisted. He looked straight down at her, disbelief taking over his features. “Hell, Jyn – I was so sure I’d never see you again–”

He looked like he wanted to reach out to her. His arm moved but she flinched without meaning to and he froze. She wanted nothing more than to wrap herself in his arms. It was the only place in this entire galaxy she could ever remember feeling safe (except for maybe her mother’s arms, but she didn’t have that anymore, did she?). She realised that she had missed him. She had honestly and truly missed him the last year they had been apart, but she couldn’t let herself indulge now. It was how she’d gotten into this mess in the first place.

“What happened?” he asked instead.

To the point. Practical. She could handle Cassian the spy or Cassian the soldier (there was no way she could handle Cassian the concerned almost-lover at this point). “I didn’t get through,” she said simply. “I tried to get to the warehouse, but I was shot and they got me.”

“I should have gone with you,” he said furiously. “I told you, Jyn! I should have–”

“If you had come with me, we both would have been thrown in prison.”

“I’d have liked that more than waiting and you never showing!” Cassian retorted. “You have no idea what–”

“ _What it was like for you?_ ” She felt a spark of anger hit her. He hadn’t been the one to survive Imperial prison! How dare he –

“I searched for weeks!” Cassian said. “ _Weeks_ , Jyn, I almost abandoned my post to go after you–”

“Almost, right.”

“Don’t do that,” Cassian accused. “Don’t talk to me about duty–”

“No! Shut up,” Jyn snarled. “You can quit all your self-blame, all the ‘I should have gone with you’ crap, because you don’t know what it was like! If you had come with me, we would have both been rotting in prison and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. This way, you got to keep fighting while I had to stay silent, never look up, never do ANYTHING! You don’t know what I’ve had to survive the past year, what I’ve had to do, so _don’t talk to me about what it was like for you!_ ”

For a moment, all Jyn could hear was her heartbeat, drumming somewhere in her throat. Cassian stared her with a look that she couldn’t interpret. She honestly wouldn’t blame the man if he hated her. She knew all about abandonment. Though she might not have had a choice, she had done the same to him and she understood his resentment. She knew it was only coming from a place of fear, a place of worry and concern, but she wasn’t going to just stand and take it either. They had both suffered.

She actually hadn’t realised how much anger she had been holding in until now. In prison, any emotion got beaten out of you. Luckily, she had been raised to show no fear or mercy. She was a pro at remaining apathetic and that’s what the guards wanted. They wanted inmates that were easy to control … but as a result, it was dangerously easy to let your brain simply retreat further and further into yourself until there was barely any of you left.

Jyn might have done if she hadn’t stumbled across an opportune moment to get out. Clearly somewhere inside her was some resolve left, some defiance, but the rest of her was tired. Exhausted. It wanted out. It was mad at the world, it didn’t want to be inside her anymore, and it was coming out in the form of anger.

“Look, we can talk later,” she said, holding his gaze furiously. “but right now, we need to get off this station. Do you have transport?”

“It’s docked on level 4,” he said.

“That’s too far for walking out in the open,” Jyn said, glancing back down the maintenance corridor to the main street beyond. She so far couldn’t see anyone patrolling, but that meant nothing. “I haven’t been here long, do you know how we could get there without anyone seeing?”

Cassian seemed lost in thought for a moment, before reaching out for her. She tried not to jump this time as his fingers gently reached the collar of her jacket. She craved his touch, missed it, and though this wasn’t the time, she didn’t want to forcibly pull away either. However, instead of pulling her towards him, she felt him tug at the headscarf that was currently draped haphazardly around her neck. He pulled it up over her head, and she sighed at where his mind was clearly going.

“It won’t work,” she said at once.

“Disguise is a classic for a reason,” Cassian retorted. “You’re talking to the spy, here.”

“They know my face, my picture is everywhere,” she again tried to reason. “A scarf isn’t going to do much–”

“Just trust me,” Cassian insisted. “Please, can you trust me?”

She shouldn’t. Technically, this was only the fourth time they had ever met and she should be running, but they had been through firefights, explosions and Imperial attacks together and right now, he was all she had. Somehow, she trusted this man with her life.

“Ok.”

* * *

 

They were both on high alert as they attempted to keep their stroll casual. It was hard to fight the urge to run, especially as they passed security check points and groups of officers who were actively scanning the crowd, but Jyn swallowed down the fear. Cassian’s arm was slung around her shoulders. It felt possessive and a little clingy, but it was apparently what he was going for. Quite honestly, with her arm around his waist and keeping her face turned into his chest, she was even feeling a little clingy.

Yes, she had forced herself not to think of him most days. She couldn’t possibly allow herself to imagine them ever meeting again. But Jyn would admit that often her dreams had defied her. With nothing to do in her cell other than sleep, she had embraced her subconscious imagining a future where he came for her, where he busted her out, where they ran away to start a new life together somewhere. Whenever she woke the dreams would be immediately cast aside, but at least she'd always had them while asleep.

This was never the way she had ever dreamed of seeing him again. She imagined an airy park where they shared a bench together, or stumbling across each other at a favoured café. She imagined a scenario where they weren’t pressed for time, weren’t being hunted or shot at, where they could get to know each other properly over months and years, instead of this meeting in stops and starts. She just wanted to finish what they had apparently started.

Maybe it was naïve and idiotic of her, but damn it, she was barely 22 years old. Was it so bad to want a life?

“Stay close,” Cassian murmured, though surely she couldn’t have been much closer if she tried.

She looked up briefly, though, and noticed the Stormtroopers. Her heart suddenly raced into overdrive. They were apparently being led by a commander, who was currently communicating irritably with the nearest security point. There had to be at least 6 of them, the crowd anxiously giving them a wide berth. Cassian hissed at her to look down as he picked up their pace, despite the initial plan to stay calm and stay slow. A couple of the troopers were scanning the crowd.

“Did they notice?” she whispered into his shirt.

“They’re looking – Jyn, you need to laugh.”

She almost looked up in utter bewilderment. But then she remembered the cover they were trying to uphold and she hoped the unholy giggle she let out didn’t sound too forced. Cassian used the arm around her shoulders to haul her in even closer, kissing her through the laughter. In a thousand other lifetimes it may have been a sweet moment. They didn’t stop walking but she kissed him back, forgetting the cover briefly, instead remembering what it was like to have his lips against hers. With her face conveniently hidden, they broke apart only once they had made it past the bulk of the Stormtroopers.

“Did we make it?” Jyn asked as Cassian glanced back over his shoulder.

“They aren’t following.”

Only when they reached level 4 did they break into a run.

* * *

 

“Cassian?” a slightly mechanical voice greeted them as they burst in up the loading ramp of the u-wing transport. “What are you doing back so soon?”

Cassian ignored the apparent droid, at least until it lumbered out of the cockpit. Jyn had had far too much experience with Imperial droids and she might have snatched the blaster that she knew was hiding in Cassian’s boot and shot him on sight, if Cassian hadn’t held her back. “Relax!” he cried. “This is K-2SO, I reprogrammed him. You’re not in danger–” 

“I make no such promises,” the droid said.

“I’m sorry–?” Jyn spluttered.

“He, uh, tends to back-chat,” Cassian apologised hastily. “Honestly, he’s on our side.”

The name was familiar to her, however, so she was willing to give the droid the benefit of the doubt (for now). Besides, they were both still breathing hard from the mad dash they had made across the level 4 hanger, avoiding security and somehow making it to the relative safety of Cassian’s transport. Apparently, the Alliance got the most out of their fleet if the dings and rust on the shuttle were anything to go by, but it was at least the safest she had felt ever since she had broken out of prison. She pushed back her headscarf, her face flushed from running as Cassian caught his breath, leaning against the frame of the entrance that must lead further into the depths of the ship.

K-2SO hovered, somehow managing to convey the expression of side-eying her suspiciously. “I don’t understand,” his droid voice said. “Who is this woman?”

“I know her, K-2, it’s ok.”

“But–”

“ _Can you leave?_ ” Cassian stressed.

“I’m calculating an 82% chance that this is ‘Jyn’,” K-2 said.

“He knows about me?” Jyn accused.

“Make that 100%.”

“I might have mentioned you in passing – _K-2!_ ” Cassian practically shoved the droid back in the direction of the cockpit. He went grudgingly, although not before adjusting his visual sensors once more to send a glare her way. Cassian groaned a little in exasperation, rubbing his eyes.

“How soon can we get out of here?”

“I think we’ve bought enough time that we can talk first,” Cassian grabbed her arm, tugging her out of the loading bay and further into the holding room beyond. There were at least cushioned benches built into the walls to sit on here, a small table in the middle and absolutely nothing cluttering the surfaces. Jyn supposed no chances could be taken if the ship happened to be seized. Cassian apparently wanted to talk, but she didn’t know what else could really be said.

“Who are you?” he finally asked quietly.

His tone suggested he was trying to be gentle about it, but his arms were still folded tightly across his chest. Jyn felt her hackles rise.

“So we’re back to interrogating me now. Wow, we really have come full circle.”

“I’m getting you off this station, but not before you tell me why the Empire wants you so badly,” Cassian said. “The whole reason we’re here is because you refused to go through that check point–”

“So it’s my fault.”

“I never said that–”

“Cassian, we never should have known each other in the first place,” she said, fiercely. “That first night we met, I never should have spoken to you–”

“Is Jyn at least even your real name?”

She almost laughed. “You’re probably one of the last few people still alive who knows my real name.”

Cassian sounded frustrated. “Were you ever really going to join the rebellion?”

It felt like a slap. She had said that she would meet with him on the other side, of course she was going to fucking join. She hadn’t decided yes for the cause (at least not yet) and she hadn’t even decided yes for protection, she had told herself yes for him, for the utter idiot standing in front of her and so help her, she could punch him in the face right that second if he didn’t check himself pretty damn soon. The accusation was there in his tone, _you changed your mind didn’t you? You won’t tell me who you really are, so you must be hiding something, you abandoned me_ –

Well, he didn’t get to talk about abandonment.

“If you’ve got something to say, then say it,” she snarled.

“Jyn, I waited hours,” Cassian said, not backing down. “And when it became clear that you weren’t coming, I demanded a mission to go find you. They said no, but I went anyway, I searched and I searched, eventually I would have been court-martialed if I didn’t give it up – you know me,” he added, almost pleadingly. “You know who I am. This is my life, but I don’t know why you live yours the way you do.”

“I’m sorry, _I know you?_ What the hell do I know about you?” Jyn cried. “I know your name is Cassian. I know you work as an intelligence officer for the Rebel Alliance. But don’t try and guilt me, I have no idea why you’re here anymore than you think you know me.”

That seemed to strike him. A part of her wanted to just tell him, goddamn it, if only at least so that he’d finally understand, but this wasn’t supposed to be about defending herself. If she ever was going to tell him, it would be because she wanted to share that part of herself with him, no other reason. Besides, how do you even begin to explain a childhood brought up on blasters and blank faces, losing a father to the Empire, and another parental figure abandoning you? How do you explain the suicides you saw in prison, the torture the Imperials could carry out? How do you explain murdering guards to escape, how do you explain fighting, bribing, lying and cheating your way to survival? It was too much –

And him. She knew there was a man inside him that longed for a life, but she knew he could also be as just harsh as the Empire. He was a spy. A professional liar.

She knew nothing about him at all.

He was looking a little chagrined at least as he moved to lean against the table. Good. “You keep asking me to join the Alliance,” she said. “You always ask me to join you. What if this time I asked you to join me?”

“Join you?”

“Leave the rebellion. We’ll run away,” Jyn didn’t hold out any real hope, but it was nice to dream. Everything they were yelling about, it all might have been ok if they just had time. If they had normal lives, if they simply had time to get to know each other, time to eventually open up and gradually ask the personal questions that they were suddenly hurling at each other. There might have been some very different responses said if they had. She didn’t kid herself that Cassian was seriously considering the idea when he snorted with laughter softly.

“Where would we go?” he asked.

“Anywhere. Far away. Outer Rim, maybe.”

“No planet preference?”

“Somewhere warm,” Jyn said. “Maybe not as warm as Kariah or Tattooine, but I’ve spent too many nights freezing.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Cassian’s head hung low, hands next to him as they clenched at the edge of the table. They were both silent for a few moments and Jyn wondered if he was imagining like she was. He then snapped up to look at her as he added, “Jyn, you know I couldn’t–?”

“I know.”

“I wish it was different–”

“ _I know_ ,” She reached out with a boot and kicked at him a little. “Hey, how about when the war’s over?”

“It’s a date,” His smile was a melancholy imitation, but he was trying at least and he let out a breath. “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn't have asked anything. Your life is yours, and I don’t need to know why the Empire is after you.”

Jyn tried to smile back. “This is a bit different than the last few times we’ve met, isn’t it?”

Play time was apparently over. Gone were the days of drinks in a bar or dancing under multi-coloured lights, it had all been taken over by the harsh realities of war. She missed the way she’d once thrown herself into this thing, even willing to risk it all at one point. She was a shell of who she was a year ago, she knew it. She knew she shouldn’t have imagined running away with him because standing in front of him, she suddenly wanted it badly, and it was ten times worse knowing that she would never have it. They had hours at the most here, or however long it took them to get off this station, until they would be touching down and she would be forcing him to let her run again.

(She was too compromised. At this point she simply couldn’t risk the rebellion if she joined.

She couldn’t risk Cassian).

Yes, Jyn Erso wanted a lot of things. But if time was limited, then they had to make the most of this.

She didn’t allow herself to think or even let Cassian answer. She stepped forward and kissed him with vigour, sending them stumbling back into the table. Cassian made a surprised sound against her, but the harsh tension between them was quickly abating. One of her hands fisted a handful of his shirt, not caring that she was being needy. If there was ever a time for not holding back, it was now (they had spent enough time on wasted opportunities). As her other arm remained slung around his neck, she felt Cassian’s hands at her waist, smoothing round to her back, warming her skin and making her shiver.

Jyn would never pretend that she was good at relationships. Her best ones remained with weapons and safety, but she wasn’t blind or too stubborn to ignore this. She might struggle to let people in, but she knew she had the potential to love this man, if only the Force would let her. There was a spark that ignited every time they met and she so badly wanted to keep it burning. She sank into their kiss, pouring everything she couldn’t say, everything she didn’t know how to say into it. She thought maybe he understood.

His arms came fully around her, only for him to turn her around. She felt the edge of the table dig into her. They both moved a little too quickly, a little too awkwardly for it to be with any finesse, but she still managed to get up on it. Her hands were shaking, but she tried not to think too much. Concentrate on his tongue, _yes, that tongue, oh hell, his –_

“Cassian?”

They both froze. Jyn wasn’t sure if there was any way of unwrapping her legs from around his hips without embarrassment, so she ended up staying where she was, clutching at his shoulders. Cassian swore under his breath, before turning his back on her to face the entrance to the room, where K-2SO had naturally lumbered in. Already, she hated the damn droid.

“I have received the latest communication from the Alliance – but I see I may have interrupted,” K-2’s dry voice indicated the fucker knew exactly what he had walked in on.

“How is he so sarcastic?” Jyn grumbled.

“Yeah, bad planning on my part – _K-2!_ ” Cassian snapped.

The droid threw up its mechanical arms. “I don’t understand human fornication! We have never had this problem before–”

“OUT,” Cassian unfortunately pulled away from her to cross the room in two steps, forcibly shoving the droid away.

“ _Should I give you an hour?_ ” Jyn heard K-2 ask as his voice drifted off. “ _Or will twenty minutes do …?_ ”

Jyn felt her head hit her hands.

At least it appeared that Cassian felt her sentiment. When he came back into the holding room, it was to immediately approach the table so that he could lean down and smack his head against it. “I hate him.”

“I don’t know. From what I’ve gathered so far, I thought twenty minutes sounded pretty reasonable coming from him.”

Cassian snorted, coughing as he didn’t expect the jibe. He straightened, watching her sat on the edge of the table, her neck and face no doubt still flushed for multiple reasons. “I think there’s a spark in you after all,” he muttered, gently reaching up and sliding his thumb down the soft edges of her face. 

“I want this,” she whispered, terrified. _So, so terrified_ …

“I think we’ve bought enough time,” Thankfully, Cassian swooping in and crushing his lips to hers made any and all thoughts of droids leave her mind.

* * *

 

If they stayed in this position forever, Jyn may just be able to convince herself that this was a perfect life.

The cabin was barely big enough to fit the fold-down bed, but it was worth the cramped quarters and narrow mattress. Jyn had never thought to be self-conscious of her body until Cassian was suddenly there, peeling away the layers of her armour until she was bare and had nothing to hide behind. Somehow, she had stood still and let him drink her in. He had been attentive, she had been passionate, and they’d both been a little awkward, but being curled around him now was worth any first-time embarrassment.

His arm wrapped up around her, his fingers tangled in her hair. Turns out that his body held just as many scars as hers and Jyn found it was a comfort. “Why do you think we keep meeting?” he murmured quietly. “The second time might have been a coincidence, but the third and fourth times …”

Jyn closed her eyes at the sensation of his fingers running through her hair. “I was raised to believe in the Force.”

“You think the Force is bringing us together?”

“Don't you believe in it?”

“I believe in a lot of things, but …” Cassian sighed. “For a while I considered some kind of Imperial conspiracy.”

“If the Empire was going to try and seduce you, Cassian, I can assure that they wouldn’t send me.”

“Jyn, you are beautiful.”

She hid her face, certain her entire body was flushing red once more. "I didn't mean it like that."

"I did." 

“Look, Cassian, I honestly don’t know if this is the Force, or fate, or some other higher being in general," Jyn carried on. "I just think us constantly running into each other isn’t an accident.”

“In another universe,” he muttered. “we got this right.”

“I like that idea.”

“Too bad we’re stuck in this one.”

Jyn reached up to pull his stubbly face towards hers. “I like this one right now.”

They got a little lost in each other for several moments. With nothing between them, they had only each other to keep warm, and Jyn wanted to climb inside his skin and never come out. No, neither of them really knew what they were doing or what they were hoping to achieve with this, but if she was able to stay in his embrace for even a little bit of this universe, then she was ok being here.

Jyn let her hand skim down his face, tracing his neck and collar before landing on his chest. However, before she could work up the courage to let her lips do the same (and maybe even go further) the blasted voice of K-2SO shattered the bliss.

“ _Cassian, you may want to consult on this_.”

“Did he literally follow us all the way to the cabins just to tell you that?” Jyn practically growled against him.

“He’s never been good at understanding boundaries – what is it?” he added in a frustrated yell at the door.

“ _We have station security insisting on checking our credentials once more_.”

“What?” Cassian sat up suddenly. Jyn was jostled, but the look he gave her was more than enough information.

Their time was up.

They dressed quickly, methodically, tossing each other their garments without so much as a sound. Wrapping her scarf back around her, Jyn followed Cassian as he rushed out of the cabin door, almost running into K-2, who had apparently been hovering nearby. “Why do they want to check again?” he snapped, a soldier once more as they pounded back through the small hallways towards the cockpit. When they burst in, it was to take in the sight through the viewing screen down in the hangar. It was currently crawling with security, and it was impossible to not notice the Stormtroopers dotted amongst the staff.

“They must have seen me,” Jyn feared at once.

“Just show them the fakes like before,” Cassian told K-2 as the droid followed them in. “They can’t search the shuttle without–”

“Actually, they sent through an order approved by the Empire that says they can,” K-2 picked up the datapad in his mechanical hand that he had apparently left behind in the cockpit when he’d come to search for them. Cassian cursed at the image shown.

“We can’t let them find her!”

“I’ve always warned that this woman was likely trouble,” K-2 said petulantly, dropping the datapad back onto the dashboard.

Cassian spent approximately five seconds staring out into the hangar furiously. Jyn’s fingers anxiously gripped the back of the co-pilot’s seat. She was more than fine with endangering herself, but Jyn would be damned if she was going to take anyone else down with her unless they were Stormtroopers.

“Let me go,” she insisted.

“I’ve done that once already,” Cassian said, fiercely. “Like hell am I doing it again. K-2!” he suddenly slammed a button on the dashboard. Immediately, Jyn heard the crunching of the landing pad retreating. “Start up, we’re leaving now!”

“But what about the team?” K-2 insisted.

“Team?” Jyn cut in at once. “I assumed you were on a solo mission, you didn’t say that you had a team here!”

“There’s no time to assemble everyone–”

“Don’t you dare start this shuttle,” Jyn threatened.

“We have to if you want any chance of getting out of here–”

“I won’t let you abandon your team!”

“Jyn!”

“ _CASSIAN!_ ” she yelled.

K-2’s head swivelled between the two of them like a sparring match. Jyn breathed in hard, her heart slamming. This was the only option, and she would wrestle him to the ground if she had to. A team changed things, and she was not letting him do this. For several tense moments, the silence ringed until eventually, he swore once more before punching another button. The start-sequence cut out.

“I’ll be arrested as well for harbouring a fugitive,” Cassian said, voice desperate.

“Not if you hand me over,” Jyn stood her ground. “Get K-2 to take me, don’t show your face. Then get your team and get the hell out of here.”

“And you’ll–”

“Go back to prison, most likely,” Her insides rebelled at the thought, but she would stomach it. She had to, _she had to_. “I don’t care, Cassian. I won’t let you abandon your team and end up in prison too. It’s not worth it.”

The shuttle comlink suddenly lit up. Their heads turned as K-2 picked it up, announcing that security was declaring their transport the next to be searched. Cassian turned back to face her. “I’ll find you–”

“No, you won’t,” Jyn growled. “Don’t try and follow, don’t do anything stupid. Keep your heads down, get back to the rebellion safely. We'll meet again–”

“I don’t want to meet again,” Cassian stepped forward. “I don’t want to keep finding you and losing you like this.”

“I’m better off lost anyway, please–”

“Don’t say that,” He apparently lost all resolve. She didn’t fight him as he took two steps and promptly swooped down, hauling her into his arms. She buried her face in his neck, her feet almost leaving the floor. It was almost too tight, hurting, but it was nothing compared to what awaited her in Imperial prison and she wouldn’t cry, she wouldn’t, _she wouldn’t_ –

“No matter what you think,” he whispered, a hand stroking her back as she tried to stifle the sobs against him. “You’re worth something, Jyn. I don’t regret anything.”

She couldn’t keep herself under control and reply at the same time, so she stayed silent. They held each other for longer than they probably should have. No, maybe they didn’t know everything about each other yet. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be after all, but like him she did not regret the decisions that had led to this point. She couldn’t quite bring herself to unlock her arms from around his neck, though, even when K-2 piped up,

“I would imagine the officers are getting rather irritated …”

Cassian squeezed her tighter a second, before they reluctantly untangled their limbs, stepping back from each other. K-2 moved and took hold of both her arms tightly. He frog-marched her out of the cockpit towards the landing pad. Glancing back, Jyn realised that Cassian hadn’t kissed her goodbye, though it was probably just as well. She had more than enough memories to get by, and she wasn’t even sure she could go through another kiss on borrowed time.

Cassian, it seemed, had read her expression. “When I see you again,” he called. “first thing I do.”

She tried to give him a smile before K-2 opened the landing pad once more, shoving her out onto it. She wriggled against the droid’s harsh grip, rolling her eyes.

“All right, no need to be so happy about it …” she muttered. 

“It is my conclusion that Cassian has grown rather attached to you, Jyn,” K-2 noted. “He will no doubt find you again … even though it’s a terrible idea.”

Somehow, before being handed back over to the Empire, Jyn managed to smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry but also like, not sorry????  
> Don't worry, we're not going to stay in this dance much longer. You might find the next prison Jyn is thrown in is Wobani heeeeeyyyyyooooooooo :D Sassy K-2 is sassy and rebelcaptain sexy times, so yayyy!!  
> I hope yall liked this. Please let me know what you think!
> 
> But seriously, thank you so so much for all your kind comments, they mean the world to me. I am so glad to have been taken in and destroyed by this fandom, I love you all xoxo


	5. and maybes

“You are being rescued. Congratulations.”

The mechanical voice came moments before she was grabbed by the collar and thrown to the hard-packed ground under her. Jyn choked out a gasp. Move, she needed to move! She had nearly been free, she had almost been away, she would not just lie here, _she needed to move_ –

Her brain was spinning. She had gone from a desolate cell in Wobani prison, to a miraculous escape route suddenly presenting itself (and subsequently waning) within an hour. The adrenaline was pounding through her. Her ears still rang from the grenade exploding, dust choked the air and out of it came the lumbering figure of a droid that for some reason, behind all the pain, she thought she recognised.

“K-2 …?” she managed in a slightly strangled voice.

“Jyn?” If it was possible for a droid to sound surprised, K-2SO was it. He stared down at her on the ground outside the exploded transport, before adding, “ _You_ are Jyn Erso?”

“This – this is some rescue,” she gasped.

 

* * *

 

Optimism was not a trait that Jyn Erso bore well (if at all).

She had no idea why the Rebel Alliance had decided now of all times to rescue her. She had been rotting away for months, but admittedly a part of her traitorous mind was thinking _Cassian_. K-2, the bastard, refused to tell her anything during the journey off-planet and as a result, she dared wonder whether Cassian had finally found her. It was utterly stupid to think – she had begged the man not to, and why wouldn’t he be here himself, if he was behind rescuing her? – but she couldn’t help the small sliver of hope that ran down her spine.

She did not like the feeling.

A rebel soldier glared at her from across the transport. Jyn may have smashed his face in with a shovel as an attempt to break free, and she didn’t regret it one bit. At least the Empire was direct about their hatred. The Rebel Alliance only spoke up when they wanted something, and she had no idea what it was they were currently after. Maybe it was just easier to hope that Cassian was behind this. The man was an idiot, but she missed him like an ache, and with pain stabbing her like a knife in her head thanks to the explosion, she wasn't sure she could take much more. Wobani had drained a lot out of her.

They touched down on a red gas moon, covered in jungle. Ziggurats decorated the landscape and their transport landed in the shadow of one. Despite the rescue, Jyn sure did still feel like a prisoner as she was forcibly marched straight off the transport and into what was apparently a base for the Rebel Alliance. She kept her face blank as she took in the large hangar, pilots running around in jumpsuits, soldiers whispering and muttering as she was escorted past. The sheer amount of people, shuttles and space left her in a silent kind of awe. This wasn’t just another outpost. This had to be Base One for the rebellion. Even if she did agree to whatever they wanted from her, Jyn still wasn’t sure she’d even be allowed to leave …

The man she had hit with the shovel was the one who shoved her roughly inside a large bunker, a conference table being the main feature. He seemed to find great satisfaction in practically pushing her down into a chair. The men in front of her looked like they were important somehow and Jyn quickly took them in, as her eyes skipped throughout the room. There were others working throughout the bunker , but there was only one other person who looked like they were also part of the party waiting for her. He was lurking off to one side, arms folded like he didn’t want to be there …

An intake of breath and their eyes met.

Cassian looked like he might pass out.

“You’re currently calling yourself–” One of the men on the other side of the table was apparently demanding her attention. “–Liana Hallik. Is that correct?”

No. _No, this wasn’t happening_.

“Possession of unsanctioned weapons, forgery of Imperial documents, aggravated assault, escape from custody, resisting arrest … imagine if the Imperial authorities had found out who you really were,” the man tried to goad her. “Jyn Erso? That’s your given name, is it not?”

She couldn’t look away from Cassian. She said nothing.

To have her past suddenly spilled out in front of her like this with no warning, to be used as blackmail, to try and get a reaction … Jyn had to hand it to the Rebel Alliance. They knew how to play it. She could feel Cassian still watching her and was sure the accusation had to be there in his eyes: _Jyn Erso. You are Jyn Erso, daughter of Imperial weapons designer, Galen Erso. You never said._

God, this wasn’t supposed to be how it happened! It never was. Jyn hadn’t denied herself the memories this time in prison. They had been the only things that had kept her alive, and she had dreamed so much more for this. Meeting again was supposed to go so differently. He was supposed to find her again by chance, on another world far from where she had broken free. They were supposed to have time, this time …

A woman in white joined their party and introduced herself as Mon Mothma. That was about when Jyn really knew she was fucked. _Mon Mothma_ , as in the Alliance chief of state. This was about something big, and Jyn didn’t have a moment to even try and figure out where her mind was when suddenly Mothma was gesturing to Cassian still half hidden in the shadows and introduced,

“This is Captain Cassian Andor, Rebel Alliance Intelligence.”

 _I know_ , Jyn wanted to spit in the woman’s face.

But a glance at Cassian, and just from the look she knew he was warning her. _Don’t. I know you want to, but don’t_. He stepped forward finally, his posture as cold as his face, and this was the spy, the soldier version of him. The man she had first met in a bar was buried deep somewhere, even if he was still in there at all. It had been a long time. For all Jyn knew, he had suffered even worse than she had, and she didn’t know which scenario she preferred.

“When was the last time you were in contact with your father?” he asked.

At least his tone wasn’t as cold as his voice. While the general (a General Draven, apparently, but she wasn’t exactly concerned with names right now) had tried to intimidate her, Cassian was clearly trying to appeal to her casual side. Was this what it all came down to in the end? Him interrogating her once more about things she was in no shape to revisit? Ironically, Jyn might have eventually told him anyway (had they been given more time).

“Fifteen years ago,” she answered coolly.

“Any idea where he’s been all that time?”

“I like to think he’s dead,” Jyn said. “Makes things easier.”

It was subtle, but she thought she saw him flinch. _I can’t do this_ was in his every expression, every move, and it was General Draven who took over the aggressive negotiations. Jyn was offered freedom in exchange for providing the rebellion with a connection to Saw Gerrera, a man she was certain she never wanted to see again in her life. Jyn might have even still said no, just to spite the general, but the mission was apparently with Cassian, and he was watching her now with what could only be described as unbridled desperation.

She said yes.

They left the conference room together. They were under the watchful eyes of the council members until they had escaped out into the base’s corridors beyond. The activity here was a flurry of soldiers. For a long time they never said anything to each other. Jyn simply followed him throughout the base until they reached the main hangar, and it was then when Cassian suddenly grabbed her wrist and yanked her behind a large shipment of wooden crates, no doubt containing supplies of some kind.

“Wait–”

He didn’t wait. He kissed her within an inch of her life, her back pressed up against the crates and his tongue in her mouth. She whimpered, gripping his hips tightly as his fingers tangled in her ratty hair. This wasn’t the time or place (was it ever?) and Jyn should stop it. But if there was anything Wobani had taken from her, it was warmth, and in Cassian’s arms she suddenly felt alive again. For the first time since she had last left him, she didn’t feel bone-shattering cold anymore.

He burned around her.

She didn’t think she would have the strength to pull back, but thankfully she didn’t have to. Cassian broke the kiss she was still feeling in her toes to simply press his forehead against hers. Their heavy breaths mixed together, longing and passion infecting them both. “I said … when I saw you again,” She could feel him smile against her. “First thing I’d do.”

“Technically, the first thing you did was interrogate me.”

Jyn didn’t mean to sound bitter, but she supposed a part of her still was, and that’s the part Cassian apparently picked up on. He sighed, moving back and away from her so that their positions behind the crate were a little more appropriate for public eyes. They were supposed to be heading straight for the transport, but Jyn’s mind was still reeling a little from the sudden turn of events this day had taken and she was grateful for the moment to think.

“You know I – Jyn, I had no idea it was you until you walked into the room,” Cassian rubbed his scruffy face. He looked tired. “I wouldn’t have – if I’d had a choice, you know I wouldn’t have ever talked to you like that–”

“You really had no idea it was me? How many ‘Jyn’s have you met before, Cassian?”

“On some planets, it’s a fairly common name,” Cassian didn’t look at her. “I didn’t want to let myself hope–”

“No, who would want to hope that I was Jyn Erso, daughter of an Imperial weapons designer?” Jyn was being callous, but she couldn’t help it. The small dwindle of hope that Cassian had still been looking for her, despite all her insistence that he didn’t, apparently hadn’t entirely faded on the journey over here. She had wished he was the one breaking her out purely for selfish reasons ( _because he wanted her_ ) but of course this was all just a scheme for the Rebel Alliance to get what they wanted. Maybe he was saying he didn’t know it was her just to be nice.

She immediately wanted to choke on the words. What had prison done to her?

“Jyn, you’re not your family–”

“I’m not doing this,” Jyn insisted at once. “You don’t get it, I feel like I’ve been gutted and everything has been splattered back onto the floor, here. I had absolutely no choice in my entire life getting thrown in my face like that, and I’m not talking about it with you! We have a mission, Captain Andor,” she threw out the rank like it might separate herself from the situation. “I suggest we get started.”

She didn’t want to see the hurt that was no doubt on Cassian’s face, so she quickly turned and fled. Jyn stormed through the hangar with no idea where she was going and forcing back the stinging behind her eyes. She was retreating inside herself, letting the old self-preservation take over, she knew it, and she was powerless to stop it. What made everything worse was that this might have been their chance for more time. This mission was no doubt going to take more than a couple of hours, so that was already a record for how long they had ever spent together. And at the end of it, she might be pardoned … and free to spend her time however and with whoever she wished.

If she kept this up, Cassian would want nothing to do with her.

She quickly shook her head, realising that she was still clueless as to where she was going. Thankfully, upon staring around the bustling hangar, she finally recognised the stupid droid and reluctantly made her way towards it.

“K-2SO,” she acknowledged.

“Jyn Erso,” K-2 nodded shortly. “Alias Liana Hallik, prisoner 6295 alpha.”

She winced a little, but luckily the droid didn’t seem to notice. “I could shoot you,” she decided to retort with.

“I have calculated an 86.5% chance that you will,” K-2 told her. “I will admit the data was difficult to analyse, especially with all your history with Cassian.”

“I wouldn’t call randomly meeting a few times over the last two years ‘history’.”

“Still,” K-2, she swore, was almost smirking at her. “This is a bad idea. I hope there will be no more fornication on this mission.”

Jyn inwardly groaned, storming forward past him up the loading ramp to the transport. Screw the 85% or whatever chance, she was getting her hands on a blaster and shooting that bastard of a droid right between the eyes. If Cassian were there, she would know exactly how to find one in his boot, but he had yet to follow her. All she had at her disposal was a large duffle bag that had apparently been dropped just inside the shuttle earlier in preparation for leaving. She made a beeline for it, immediately riffling through the contents. By the time she found the spare blaster, however, she had noticed how impersonal his belongings were. There were spare clothes and weapons, but nothing that indicated what kind of man owned this bag. It made her pause, still crouched on the floor of the transport.

She had seen a young man in him. Cassian Andor like his drinks strong and loved to dance. He hadn’t been afraid to reach out to her. He could be carefree and spontaneous and loving, but he was also very, very good at hiding it. Possibly, Jyn was one of only few people who even knew he was capable of such things.

By the time Cassian finally made his way to the u-wing, K-2 was already adjusting the flight settings. She couldn’t tell his expression, but he quickly brushed past her to join K-2 in the cockpit. “Sorry I took so long,” he murmured to the droid. “Draven wanted to speak to me before we left.”

“I still don’t think this is a good idea,” K-2 pointed out.

“Neither do I,” Jyn muttered.

K-2 stared at her, like he didn’t quite believe she was agreeing with him. She almost laughed.

Cassian sighed, before finally turning to meet her eye. “Look,” he said, every bit the professional. “I’m sorry, Jyn. I’m sorry that we’ve clearly dragged you into something you don’t want to do. I’m sorry that we have to do this together, considering …” He didn’t finish the sentence. “but this is bigger than us. It’s about the future of this entire galaxy. I’m going to need you on Jedha, count on you.”

 _I needed you. I counted on you_.

“You don’t see me running,” was all she answered.

“One thing I want to know,” K-2 quickly felt the need to pipe up. “is how come she gets a blaster, and I don’t?”

Jyn gritted her teeth at the droid basically telling on her that she had gone through his bag, but Cassian just snorted. “Because she actually knows how to use it.”

“Jedha is a war zone, I should be allowed to prepare,” K-2 said, petulantly.

“Stay with the ship and you’ll be fine,” Cassian retorted, and Jyn listened to the droid complain some more as the two began to launch the start-up sequence. She and Cassian had been in war zones before. They had survived explosions and Stormtroopers and been torn apart again every single time. Would they get through this, would they find Saw on Jedha and get the message the Alliance so desperately wanted, only for them to again be separated for whatever reason the universe decided to throw at them next?

The Force kept putting them together for a reason. It clearly trusted her to be able to do this. Maybe Jyn needed to finally trust that it would keep them together this time.

Trust went both ways, after all.

 

* * *

 

The journey to Jedha was spent in almost-silence.

Jyn hadn’t quite known what to say or do and figured it would’ve probably been easier for them both if they just spent the journey apart. However, she soon found that Wobani was still hanging over her, and with it came an irrational need for comfort. She had no place asking Cassian for that comfort at all, but it didn’t stop her from imagining it. They ended up circling one another throughout the transport, one never far behind the other. Never in direct contact, but always within the line of sight. Cassian co-piloted until they were safely in hyperspace, Jyn hovering behind somewhere. Then, she restlessly moved to organise supplies and he silently joined her at the utility bench.

In a way, it was what she needed. Since Saw had left her, Cassian had been the only person in the entire galaxy to ever apparently care about her. Jyn was not in the right place to be falling into his arms, but she found herself clinging to the image of Cassian at least being at her side the closer they got to confronting the father-figure who had abandoned her, and that was good enough for now. She planned speeches in her head during the journey. She thought of the things she might eventually say to Saw, the specific words that she knew would hurt, and debated whether she should demand answers or not.

She broke the silence not far from Jedha to say,

“A part of me wants to accuse him,” She didn’t meet his eyes. “demand why. But then, maybe I don’t want to know.”

Cassian glanced up from his place opposite her. “It’s better to know than be ignorant,” was all he said in answer.

She wished she could agree.

When they landed, their conversations were kept necessary and professional. Saying Jedha was a warzone wasn’t an understatement, and K-2SO whined about being left behind, but there was no way they would blend in with an Imperial droid lumbering after them (and maybe it was a little satisfying to shut him down). Her thoughts were a jumbled mess of Kyber crystal and planet killers and how Cassian kept close to her side as they stalked through the city. She was thankful that she’d had the journey to Jedha to be able to process thinking since she had woken up still in prison that morning. Her life had been thrown out from under her once again in the space of less than a standard day. She never had any choice, did she?

Maybe that was also why she was agreeing to do this, when surely any other time, Jyn would have told the Rebel Alliance to simply piss off and send her back to prison. She was sick of her life being out of her control. She was thrown from one event to the next, things always happening to her but never because of her (well … maybe a few kisses had happened because of her, but still). If she did this, if she could be pardoned at the end of it, then she could finally choose what happened next.

She could take control of her life back.

She exchanged a glance with Cassian as they stuck close to each other. They didn’t need to speak much in the midst of the bustling city. A hand at her back, a firm grab of her shoulders, hundreds of actions passed between them, rendering words unnecessary. Jyn wondered a little about when they had become so in synch. He always knew when to hold her back against idiots who slammed into her on purpose, or when to push her forward. She remembered the first time they had ever met, and the subsequent shoot-out they’d ended up in at the cantina. They had fought side by side then like they’d been doing it forever.

Maybe they had been born to fight together.

 

* * *

 

Jyn Erso was finally crying.

Somewhere between _my love for her has never faded_ and _we call it the Death Star_ , the tears had started falling. Now they stained her face, and she could still hardly move. Dimly, her brain was aware that something was seriously wrong. The monastery where Saw’s rebels had been hiding was shaking, crumbling. People were running and screaming, but Jyn Erso could only see the holo image of her father, who wasn’t dead, who apparently wasn’t a traitor, whose message had sent her to her knees. Gutted raw felt about right. She hadn’t expected any of this.

She didn’t even know what to think of Saw in front of her. She’d thought of so many things to say to him and now they were all choked in her throat. She thought of Cassian’s words that it was better to know than remain ignorant, and she certainly understood now. She had been left behind because of her name. She was left behind because of her father and the ties she had. She was too much of a risk. Saw Gerrera had been the one to raise her and in the end, he had left her because of something she couldn’t even control. They always left –

Cassian was there.

“We’ve got to go,” his voice was sudden and urgent in her ear and it was barely piercing through the other ringing thoughts that currently dominated her head. She tried to tell him that she knew. She knew something was wrong, Jedha was slowly disintegrating around them and a part of her whispered _planet killer._ Another whispered _my father did this._

_My father is trying to stop this._

_He left you._

_He’s trying to save you._

“I know where your father is,” Cassian suddenly urged. “Jyn, come on!”

She finally turned to look at him. She couldn’t feel her legs, but she clambered to them regardless. Saw was left behind. She shoved it away, couldn’t think of it now. The world was falling apart around them and it took Jyn several disjointed moments while running to realise what the thing looming over the planet was (or what she thought it might be). They were joined by others that they had picked up along the way: two Guardians of the Whills, one who had stopped her earlier in the streets, and the pilot defector who had triggered the events leading them here. Cassian dragged her after him, practically throwing her into the shuttle that K-2 had gotten to them in barely enough time. 

They ran fast from the nightmare that was happening behind them.

With so many new people on board, Jyn felt herself retreating inside even further. She was barely holding herself together. Too much had happened, the day was catching up on her and she wanted to hide. She wanted to take Cassian and keep running from the destruction. But they were talking, and the pilot – Bodhi, his name is Bodhi – knew her father, and she couldn’t break down yet. They needed to know, there was something they all needed to know –

“My father’s message,” she suddenly spoke up determinedly. “I’ve seen it. They call it the Death Star. But they have no idea there’s a way to defeat it.”

She spoke to Cassian across the shuttle cabin, but something in his expression changed at her words. Did he … he doubted her? After everything they had been through, she was certain that that was the expression on his face. He doubted what she was saying.

“Whatever you’re thinking, you’re wrong,” she suddenly thundered. “You think my father’s still working for the Empire.”

“He did build it,” Cassian must have caught her look. “Jyn, I – I’m not saying I don’t believe you, I trust you, but–”

“But what?” she bit out.

He didn’t answer that. Maybe their audience was the reason. “I believe you may have seen a message … but I also think you need to think critically about what you saw.”

He thought her father was trying to fool them all. Rationally, Jyn knew it was realistic of him to think so, but it still made her skin boil. “My father built it,” she snarled. “because he knew they’d do it without him. My father made a choice. He sacrificed himself for the rebellion! He’s rigged a trap inside it, inside the Death Star. That’s why he sent you–” She gestured to Bodhi, who suddenly looked very much like he’d rather be left out of this conversation.

“Where is it?” Cassian asked her. “Where’s the message?”

Jyn knew how it would sound. “It was a hologram,” she said, shortly.

“You have that message, right?”

“What do you think?” Jyn could slap him. Of course she didn’t have the message! She was still barely processing it when he had pulled her away from the crumbling chambers. She kept arguing, she kept fighting for what her father had said and eventually, it was decided they would go to Eadu and find him. She tried to speak with conviction – insist that this plan would work, that they would find him, they would all see – but the events of the day had taken a lot out of her and Cassian stood there saying nothing. She needed to get away, and she broke away from the group, almost slamming past Bodhi and disappearing down the hatch further into the shuttle towards the cabins.

“Jyn!” Cassian yelled after her. “We need to – JYN!”

She could hear him following her. She heard Bodhi tentatively ask,

“Does anyone know what their deal is?”

“I believe Cassian is concerned because Jyn is in a certain amount of distress,” K-2SO answered. “They have known each other for some time now, and I believe they care deeply for each other. I warned him not to, but Cassian never listens to me …”

 

* * *

 

He eventually caught up with her as she hid in one of the ship’s cabins. Much like the last rebel shuttle she and Cassian had been on, there was one small fold-down bed and not much else. She tried to not remember the last time they shared one. She yanked it down with some force and sat on the edge as Cassian silently edged into the cabin. He watched her from the other side of the room.

“I don’t know why you’re here,” There was a pressure building behind her eyes.

“I’m sorry–”

She laughed. “Don’t say you’re fucking sorry, Cassian. You don’t believe me. It’s fine, I get it, who would believe that the man who built the Death Star actually didn’t mean it the entire time?”

“I believe you.”

“You’ve got a damn funny way of showing it,” she snarled. “ _Where’s the message, Jyn?_ ”

He winced.

Her head hurt as exhaustion washed over her. Time zones from leaping in and out of hyperspace were no doubt catching up on top of everything else and how could this man say he believed her, only moments before he had chewed her out in front of everyone else? Did he only believe her when it was convenient or when it wasn’t an embarrassment to? Funny he would say it now when they were alone and no one else could hear, and she didn’t know whether that was actually her talking, or the shell of herself that was left after Wobani.

“We’re supposed to trust each other,” was all she could say.

“ _I trust you_ ,” Frustration edged his tone. “I just …”

“Don’t trust who I am or where I come from.”

“Jyn–”

“After everything …” The cave that had once protected her mind was utterly gone now. It had been slowly broken open since the moment they had first met. “Cassian, I can’t do this anymore.”

Her entire life had been exposed and put on display today. She was tired, she was barely holding off tears (over what, she wasn’t quite sure – a mixture of everything?) and she was done arguing. The last time they had truly been alone they had stripped away all their layers and lost themselves in each other. She missed him. Sure, there had still been things they hadn’t known about each other then, but it had been ok. They’d kissed each other hoping that there would be time for that later.

He might know everything now, yet it somehow felt like there was a chasm between them. If she took one step toward him, would she fall?

It was in that moment she finally broke. The day caught up and she couldn’t stop the tears from wrenching out of her. She didn’t often allow herself to cry. Even if she was alone, she usually couldn’t risk anyone else hearing her. It was easier to remain silent, to keep them inside, but Saw was dead, Jedha was gone, her father wasn’t a traitor and she surely hadn’t slept in 24 hours. She pressed her forearm to her eyes, trying to choke them back, but apparently Cassian had leapt the chasm as she felt his arms suddenly pulling her in tight.

“No, no–” she sobbed.

“Shut up, Jyn,” Cassian murmured into her hair.

So they stayed there.

Apparently, Cassian was willing to hold her as long as she needed. Once the tears cried themselves out, he just lay back on the thin mattress, tugging her down with him. Their legs entwined themselves and his hand stroked the length of her back. She pressed her nose into his neck and wasn’t certain if he was going to say anything else. She hovered on the edge of consciousness, her brain unwilling to shut down without assurance that she was safe.  

“I know this hasn’t exactly turned out the way we might have hoped,” she heard his accented voice rumble in her chest. “but I’m still … I’m glad we’re here, Jyn.”

Her brain was assured. She let sleep take her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOO BOYYYY  
> I hope I somehow managed to get a good balance of mixing up the canon while also following the RO plot, 'cause I didn't want to just re-write the movie (that would be boring???). I feel like this is completely different to all the other chapters and idk whether it even fits, but YOLO  
> I have decided I'm gonna cover to the end of the movie, tho, so there's that at least! (and I might not kill them........yeah, maybe). But seriously, thank you so much for all your comments!! I love all of yall so much <3  
> Please let me know what you thought! x


	6. die

She woke with a dead arm and a scratchy blanket over her.

Jyn was used to waking up quickly. From the moment her eyes were open, she would be alert and wary. Being on the run from the Empire didn’t leave many opportunities to relax, so she was always ready at a moment’s notice to run, fight or face whatever else the day might have been throwing at her. But opening her eyes now, she felt warm and groggy. For a second, she couldn’t figure out where she was as she stared at the hard lines of the ship cabin around her.

Then Cassian’s arm around her tightened.

He must have taken her jacket off for her and gotten them a blanket at some point, because it was his body she could feel pressed up against her back. His arm looked like it was just casually tossed over her waist, but running a hand down it told Jyn immediately that he was as tense as anything. Even in sleep, they couldn’t completely relax. They would always be on guard, or running from something, never truly free of stress or worry …

But he was there.

And she was there.

Normally they never got more than a day with each other and here they were, _still together_.

“Cassian,” Jyn whispered. He grunted as she nudged him a little with his elbow. “Cassian … how long have we been asleep?”

She felt him stirring, moving behind her as he tried to check a chrono. “A few hours. We must be near Eadu by now. I better go–”

“Wait,” she suddenly gripped the arm around her, stopping him as he’d clearly made to move. “I don’t … K-2 will call us when we’re close. Don’t get up yet.”

She wasn’t even sure whether she could reasonably request anything from him at this point, especially considering that they had spent most of the previous day shouting at each other. They’d left a lot still hanging in the air between them. However, despite everything, she still felt Cassian tentatively settle back down and return his arm around her.

Jyn had always thought that she would loath being held. She considered it something akin to being held down. Like surely she would feel constrained, feel too much like she had finally just not run fast enough. Jyn was so used to running by now that she had been certain that even if they ever did manage to get a moment like this, she would reject any physical comfort from him at all.

But Cassian felt safe. He always had, ever since they had first met in that dirty cantina. Jyn knew she was a harsh person to try and get to know, but Cassian was someone who was getting through the barriers she had put up, and she was almost ok with it. They lay together, and Jyn tried not to think of all the possibilities of how this could have turned out so very differently, if she had just said yes when he’d first asked. That first night, when they had burst into the street and she’d shot a trafficker in the knee, he had assumed that she would come with him. She hadn’t. That time on Kariah, when she could have explored his body much sooner, she hadn’t. The third time, when they had faced a roadblock and couldn’t get through, she had finally chosen to go with him, only for the galaxy to turn around and say _no sorry, you don’t get this either_.

If she’d just gone with him when she’d had the chance, this might’ve turned out so different.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured, glad that she couldn’t see his face (or maybe she was glad he couldn’t see hers).

“Shut up,” he shoved her lightly on the shoulder.

“You don’t know what I–”

“Whatever you’re apologising for, it doesn’t matter,” Cassian muttered into her hair. “Things happened. We made our choices and we’ve ended up here. That’s a success to me.”

Against her will, she felt a smile curve her face.

 _Things happened_ , though, was more than a massive understatement. So many things had happened since they’d last been together, and she was certain some of it had to have broken something inside her. She’d been on the run before – she’d handled prison before – but she wasn’t the same person who had left Cassian in the street in front of an Imperial roadblock. She had been closed off and bitter, fighting Cassian at what felt like every opportunity ever since. “I just wish …” she sighed. “I wish I could have told you about my family before it was forced out. I don’t know, I just remember the look on your face when I was dragged into that room …”

“Jyn,” he said. “That was the look of a man who didn’t know what he’d done to deserve you coming back to me.”

“By that, you assume I'm yours.”

“I'm just as much yours as you are mine.”

Jyn scoffed. “Disgusting. I should climb right out of this bed.”

“You’re the one who said stay,” She could feel him smiling as his lips travelled down from her hair, whispering against her neck. “Look, Jyn, you honestly don’t owe me or the rebellion any backstory.” 

She sighed. “I would have told you. Someday, when we met again, and I’m just … sorry. Sorry that we’ve had this time together and so far I’ve spent most of it trying to sort out my head rather than enjoy it.”

They were silent for a few moments. Cassian’s lips stilled, instead just remaining pressed to her hairline. Slowly, he moved to tug at her shoulder and she let herself get rolled over onto her back, the blanket getting tugged and trapped between them. Cassian simply yanked it away before pulling up his shirt, staying on his side so that she could clearly see the rounded scar that decorated his lower abdomen. She narrowed her eyes, but reached out to gently run her fingers over it. She’d of course seen it before, but she’d never dared ask about it.

“This scar made me join the rebellion–” he began, but her hand at his side suddenly shot out and grabbed at his arm, as if that might make him shut up.

“What are you doing?” she demanded.

“You didn’t get a choice in me learning about your life,” Cassian told her. “I’m offering mine to make up for it.”

“Don’t be stupid, you don’t–”

“ _Jyn_ ,” Slowly, he ran his arm through her fingers until he held her hand in his. He brought it back down to the scar and held it there. “I know I don’t. But let me anyway.”

She didn’t want to. She didn’t want him to regret telling her what was clearly a past as dramatic and tragic as hers was. Despite what he said, he thought he owed her in some way and she wouldn’t have it. However … his eyes desperately sought hers and she could feel herself wilting.

“I’ve been in this fight since I was six years old,” he said, voice clear and without hesitation. She let him speak. “The Empire hadn’t been in power long at that point. Less than a year, but already people were rebelling against them. They wanted to turn my hometown on Fest into a waypoint, a stopover for the Imperial warships who were travelling between the Inner and Outer Rims. I was too young, I didn’t really understand what was happening. But I remember the protests, though. People yelling, people giving me signs to hold – I was six, I thought it was a great time," His voice was tight, like he regretted the childhood naivety now. "But it turned ugly and … a lot of people were shot that day.”

Jyn smoothed her fingers over the old blaster wound carefully. “Some more than others?” she asked quietly.

“I survived. My brother and parents didn’t.”

Jyn turned onto her side and into his chest. After twenty years she didn’t kid herself that her comfort could even do anything, but she gave it anyway. "So you were taken in by the rebellion?" 

"I've been with them ever since." 

“I’m sorry.” 

“It’s ok.”

“I still didn’t need to know.”

“ _It’s ok_.”

“We’ll do this,” she added, a little fiercely. “we’ll find my father, Cassian. We’ll find him on Eadu and we’ll stop the Death Star, or die trying.”

To her slight surprise, she felt him tense up at her words. He tried to hide it by immediately softening, but she had felt the muscles clench at her words. She paused a moment, fearing she’d read him wrong, but the moment had passed and he was suddenly pulling her closer, lining their bodies up just so. Jyn didn’t want to think about the tension and anxiety that clouded everything that they did anymore. She was grateful to know that once this man had just been a scared kid like she had been, but she wanted to chase away the fear. She wanted to feel the thrill that grew inside her whenever they were this close, instead. 

“Thank you for telling me about your scar,” she said. “Honestly. But I don’t want to talk backstories anymore.”

“Then what do you want to talk about?”

 _How about nothing_ , she silently said as her lips found his. Wrapped around each other so closely, it didn’t take long for it to become heated, strong. Her hands tangled in his hair and for a moment, Jyn managed to not even give a damn about the mission. She didn’t care about her father or Saw Gerrera or giant death machines, she didn’t care about anything except Cassian’s mouth and what it was currently doing to her. Surely this time, they would have a chance to figure it out. This time, she could potentially tell herself _‘it might not also be the last time’_.

She felt that something growing inside her again as skin met skin.

It felt a lot like love.

* * *

 

The transport shuddered again as rain lashed against the hull. Fierce winds pummelled them as they tried to frantically navigate the surface of Eadu. Jyn couldn’t imagine her father ever coming to a place like this, so desolate, wet and dark. The father she remembered loved the sun. He was a farmer, could spend hours outside in the Lah’mu weather, unafraid to get dirty and content in their secluded life away from the Empire. Jyn could still remember a vivid morning when he had dropped down next to her in the dirt and asked, “What are you playing, Jyn?”

“Stormy is the bad guy. Beanie is good though, he’s fighting back.”

“What about this one?”

Eight year old Jyn had looked around at another doll she had positioned sitting in a hole she’d hastily dug into the dirt with her hands. The doll looked content being by itself and Jyn had quickly patted it on the head. “That’s you, Papa! You’re working hard to come up with a plan to kill Stormy.”

She couldn’t remember her father’s face at her words, but she could imagine it must have hit close to home, now that she looked back on it. Another slam against the hull jolted her back to their reality, watching as the others tried to navigate through the torrent.

Bodhi Rook led the navigations. Jyn wasn’t sure yet what to make of the man they had picked up on Jedha, but he was an Imperial Defector. In a way, he was like her. They had both been complicit, had been for years. They had been unwilling to fight back, unwilling to actually look up and see what was happening around them until suddenly, events unfolded and forced them to. Jyn had already decided to give the man a chance. 

The stakes were high, now. It was time to finally do something. Just like Bodhi Rook had agreed to deliver a message, and just like her father had secretly sabotaged his own project, give Jyn Erso a blaster now and tell her to shoot Stormtroopers, and she probably would.

“They have landing trackers,” Bodhi was saying frantically as K-2SO and Cassian tried to pilot through the storm. “They have patrol squadrons. You’ve got to stay in the canyon, keep it low!” 

“If we proceed, there’s a 26% chance of failure,” K-2 helpfully pointed out.

Jyn’s knuckles were white as she held onto a metal rail inside the cockpit. She was certain that had they been paying more attention, K-2 would have thrown her out by now, but she stayed silent and watched as they careened past inlets and boulders the size of small planets. Cassian’s jaw was clenched as Bodhi admitted he’d never actually flown this route before, and K-2 uped their failure rate to 35%. The closer they got to Eadu, the tenser he seemed to get. She hadn’t really noticed until now, when he was under stress and concentrating less on hiding the emotions in his face, but the mission seemed to be making Cassian cagey. She remembered him tensing up at the mention of her father earlier, but she didn’t blame him. She was trying not to think about it, either.

The Death Star was more than just an abstract worry. It was concrete, real and out there somewhere, and it was more than enough to terrify her.

The storm unfortunately caught the best of them. They came in hard, crashing into the harsh rock of Eadu that would have thrown Jyn if she hadn’t been holding on. Their transport was surely dead in the water, if not at least severely damaged. Cassian was not happy about it. She watched him as he first assessed the damage, then began barking orders at everyone. “Bodhi,” he snapped. “Where’s the lab?”

She didn’t blame Bodhi flinching. Jyn knew two sides to Cassian Andor, and he was currently showing the worst of the spy side. It almost didn’t sit right with her (not half an hour ago they'd been in bed together, was she really _that_ terrible at sex?) but she stayed silent until suddenly, he was saying that Bodhi was the one going with him to the research lab.

“I’m coming with you,” she demanded at once.

His eyes flickered to hers for just a second. His answer sounded rehearsed, like he’d already thought this through, “No. Your father’s message – we can’t risk it. You’re the messenger.”

“That’s ridiculous. We all got the message, everyone here knows it.”

_Why are you keeping me away?_

Jyn followed Cassian as he dodged an explanation, ordering K-2 to fix the comms and the two Guardians to start salvaging. Bodhi must have caught her eye and hastily gotten out of her way because Cassian was alone as he stood just at the edge of the loading ramp, inches from the downpour that awaited him beyond the transport. The rain crashing onto the twisted metal was deafening, and he was so focused on configuring his rifle that he startled when she suddenly spoke,

“What aren’t you telling me?”

He clutched the rifle in his hands, glancing up. His face was no longer entirely unreadable to her, but it was hard. Something was stirring underneath. “What–”

“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean,” Jyn snapped.

“You’re not coming.”

“When did you start controlling my life?”

“Jyn–” He cut himself off in frustration. “This isn’t as simple as you’re making it out to be–”

“It is,” she said back. “We need to find my father. Forget your stupid ‘just going to check it out and come back’ plan, I’m coming with you and I’m helping you find him.”

Cassian ran a hand over her face. “You can’t–”

“Give me one good reason why not!

“ _Because the Alliance doesn’t want him alive_ ,” Cassian thundered.

It felt like a slap in the face.

It shouldn’t have been a shock. Why would the Rebel Alliance ever want her father alive? He was a threat to their cause, and so was Jyn by extension. She should have expected this wrench in the plan, but she stood there with the rain pouring, totally thrown because Cassian had apparently known it this whole time and never mentioned it. Ever since they had left the base on Yavin, he must have known. He was the spy, the assassin, so his real mission was clear from the look on his face. He wanted her to stay behind because his orders were to murder her father.

“You’re going to kill him.”

“It’s … it’s what I was ordered to do,” Cassian said.

It was an evasive answer.

“You are lucky that I don’t currently have a blaster on me,” Jyn said, struggling to keep her voice steady. “Otherwise you may be dead by now.”

“Please,” Cassian bit out. “You really think I could actually do it?”

“I’ve got no idea if you were ever even going to tell me, let alone–”

“ _Come on_ ,” Cassian said, slinging the rifle over one shoulder carelessly as he spoke in exasperation. “After what we’ve been through? Of course I was going to tell you! If I hurt anyone important to you, I know you wouldn’t hesitate at all to take me out. If anyone’s going to murder me, it’s you without a doubt.” 

Jyn had felt uncontrollable rage many times in her life, but never directed at someone she had shared a bed with before. It was probably irrational, since she didn’t actually disagree with anything he’d just said. If Cassian did kill her father, he was right. She probably _would_ murder him.

But was she so out of touch with her emotions at this point that she would or could honestly do it? No remorse, no thinking, just kill the man she’d gotten to know over the last two years? She knew that prison had hardened her and she knew that seeing Saw again had broken her a little, but she was now wondering whether it had also ripped open a hole in her.

No. She wouldn’t kill him. But she was still shaking with anger and before she could talk herself out of it, she had wound back an arm and punched him in the face.

Cassian grunted slightly, but went down like a true soldier: stoic, and with barely a flinch. His rifle was thrown to the floor of the wet loading ramp as he staggered. Jyn flexed her hand, willing the bruise to already flare up on his face, but instead had to just settle for watching him rub the skin tenderly. “I guess I deserved that,” he muttered.

“You should have told me!” she yelled.

“I was going to–”

“When?” Jyn slammed a hand into his chest. “When you had your tongue down my throat, WHEN?”

Cassian grabbed at the arm that she had shoved into him. She tried to tug it back, but his grip was strong and she didn’t feel like wrestling him just yet. “I was going to go and see what was happening first. Twenty years I’ve been in this rebellion!” Cassian said. Rain still thudded inside her chest like a drum. “Twenty years, Jyn, and I’ve never disobeyed a direct order before.”

“Congratulations,” she snarled back.

“If I don’t do it, we’ll be going rogue,” Cassian pointed out harshly. “No going back.”

“I don’t care.”

Cassian rubbed gingerly at the spot she had hit him. She wrenched her arm back and as she stepped away, her boot hit the rifle at their feet. She felt his eyes on her, tracking her. Watching to see what she’d do. 

What was she going to do?

“Fine. Then come with me,” Cassian said.

She snapped her head up. “What?”

“It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?” he said, hotly. “You come with me to the lab, and we’ll both find your father. Bodhi will hopefully find a ship to get us off this damn planet and then we … I don’t know, go from there. Like I said, there’s no going back after this. If I don’t kill your father, then the Alliance certainly will, or at least they’ll try to.”

Somewhere in there, Jyn recognised the reason he was doing this. He was turning his back on direct orders solely because he couldn’t do this to her. There was a lot going on in both their heads right now, feelings that hadn’t been properly addressed yet, stresses and tiredness and a million other grievances but he was still putting this on himself. Once, a long time ago, she had turned the question around and asked whether he’d ever run away with her. This was his answer.

Yes. He would.

“Let’s go find my father.”

* * *

 

It all started out ok. Not that any of their plan was foolproof (they were struggling through the pouring rain with no way out and no back up) but at least Jyn wasn’t in the dark. She and Cassian were on the same page, no matter how tight they’d been pulled, and Bodhi was trying to chat casually in between huffs and puffs up the winding cliff sides.

“So how do you two know each other?” he tossed out at one point.

Jyn almost missed a step. “Excuse me?”

“No one wants to talk about it, but your droid mentioned that you’ve known each other a long time,” Bodhi shrugged. “I guess I’m curious, if – if that’s ok,” he added, probably noticing the looks on their faces. Jyn exchanged a tense glance with Cassian, but answered,

“We first met two years ago. It was kind of by chance.”

“Galen always wondered what happened to you,” Bodhi mentioned.

Jyn closed her eyes a moment. She didn’t want to think about her father too much, but she was moments away from seeing him again for the first time in years. Bodhi Rook knew her father. She suddenly needed to know everything.

“He wouldn’t be proud of the answer.”

“I don’t know, he spoke the world of you,” Bodhi tried to smile. “You know … when he could risk it.”

“I haven’t done much to be proud of,” Jyn said.

“You’ve been fighting the Empire, haven’t you?” Bodhi asked. He stumbled over several loose rocks then and Jyn’s hand reached out, hastily grabbing onto his arm. Bodhi gasped, “Oh – thanks.”

“I haven’t exactly been fighting the Empire,” Jyn pointed out to him. Cassian turned back and asked for further directions. Bodhi pointed out the way before turning back to her. “I’ve been in and out of prison the last several years, on the run …”

“But I thought when you met, you …”

Jyn shook her head. “I didn’t join the Alliance.”

“Things didn’t really go so well for us when we met,” Cassian didn’t turn around, but his voice carried over the wind and the rain.  

Bodhi wrinkled his nose. He clearly didn’t quite know how to interpret Cassian’s words. Everyone on board their busted transport had to be wondering what their relationship exactly was and quite frankly, Jyn was surprised that K-2SO hadn’t already told everyone by this point. But Jyn apparently had an appreciation for the Imperial defector that she hadn’t expected.

“I know what you’re wondering,” she told him. “and the answer is yes, we are.”

“What – what am I wondering? No, I don’t–” Bodhi immediately spluttered.

Jyn had to smoother a smile.

Unfortunately, that’s about when all their plans started to go wrong.

The lights of the lab shone through the rain and gloom, fracturing their vision. The figures up on the platform looked ghostly as they paced through the storm. Jyn forced her eyes to focus. Bodhi stayed with them long enough to suddenly point out, “That’s him!” Jyn followed his line of vision, Cassian analysing their situation through a pair of quadnocs. “That’s him, Galen, in the dark suit–”

Jyn’s eyes didn’t leave the man with the angular face who spoke to the group of dishevelled engineers out on the platform. That was her father. She didn’t need Bodhi’s confirmation, she could remember that walk, remember the hand gestures, remember his face as he told her he loved her for the last time. _That was her father_ , and he was not a traitor.

_My father is not a traitor._

_My father is not a traitor._

But before they could react, a sudden rumble indicated an Imperial shuttle approaching the lab. Bodhi ran to try and secure transport out of there, while Cassian pushed her uncomfortably flat against the wet rock beneath them. Jyn recognised the man in white the moment he stepped from the shuttle. She didn’t know what was happening. The man in white was something from her eight-year-old nightmares. She could feel Cassian tense next to her and she knew that something wasn’t right here, something was off. When the sudden blaster bolts rained down on the engineers, sending each one of them to the ground, that spark inside her burned once more.

“Something’s gone wrong for them,” Cassian said urgently, turning to look at her. “If we want to get your father, we’re going to have to get onto that platform.”

Jyn had been watching closely. “I think I saw a way when we were walking up here.”

Cassian held her gaze desperately for a moment. “It’s going to get ugly.”

“When doesn’t it?”

She made to move, but he quickly tightened his grip on her. It was nothing like their fight on the broken transport ramp earlier. This was a man who wanted her safe, who was scared that they would walk onto that platform and never walk back off it. She pulled off her helmet to hastily kiss him in the rain. Maybe if she kissed him long and hard enough, she might eventually drown, but this was a mission they couldn’t fail in.

“We’ve got to move,” she said, pulling back and pushing her helmet back on.

He ran after her.

They got through the canyon, climbed the service ladder all the way to the top and even managed to crawl out onto the platform without a single Imperial officer noticing. Then K-2’s voice was suddenly coming through the comms. Cassian hissed at him to shut up, but the droid was saying, “We have a problem – there’s an Alliance squadron approaching.”

“What?” Cassian cried. “No, no, no – we’re on the platform, they can’t–”

But they apparently could. Jyn wasn’t quite as well-versed in Alliance politics as Cassian was and she didn’t know who or what was behind this, but she didn’t care. Her father was barely feet away from her. She had taken the rifle from Cassian and he hadn’t stopped her aiming it at the man in white –

– then the _damn_ Alliance suddenly came reigning out of the sky.

The first volley of blaster fire sent metal and debris through the air. The platform cracked and spreading fire was left in the wake. Jyn’s aim had been thrown off, but Cassian took the opportunity. He leapt from behind the crates they had taken cover behind, beginning to picking off the closest Stormtroopers who hadn’t already been vaporised by the Alliance fire. “Jyn!” he yelled back to her. “Jyn, go to him!

She whipped her head around. He was there, still alive, and with Cassian covering her she was sure she could make it.

“PAPA!” she screamed.

He turned and that was when she started running.

She was blind to anything else. If Cassian hadn’t been there, surely she would have been killed. The x-wings had swung around for another volley of attacks and she ran through the blasts. She didn’t know where the man in white was. In the chaos, she could only breathe through the smoke and run. Run, run, _run_ to her father who was staring at her with a look akin to wonder. Too late, she noticed the man in white behind him. He was livid and had the weapon trained at her head. Jyn wouldn’t be able to run fast enough, couldn’t aim in time, couldn’t –

 _Slam_.

The man in white was thrown back by the force of the blaster bolt. Jyn didn’t stop to find out what it was (she surely already knew). Her father had finally been jolted out of the apparent shock of seeing his daughter as he finally moved. His movements were jerky and he staggered when another x-wing blast hit the platform nearby, but he didn’t stop until Jyn had gotten close enough to throw herself into his arms.

“Papa …” she gasped into the man’s shoulder. “It’s me, its Jyn.”

“Jyn – my Stardust …” Galen’s arms came up around her, just like she remembered. “It’s really …”

“It’s me,” She choked on the tears and repeated the words like a mantra. “ _It’s me, it’s me, it’s me_.”

It felt like an age that she stood there with her father. In reality, it couldn’t have been more than thirty seconds. Suddenly, Cassian was there, skidding in next to them and yelling in her abused ears, “We have to move – JYN! NOW!”

She couldn’t tell apart the tears from the rain on her face. The x-wing fire heated everything and stung her skin. They had to get off the platform. The three of them ran, Cassian leading the way with one hand on his blaster, the other held out behind him. She knew he understood it wasn’t practical for her to hold onto him, but when she could, she would reach out and squeeze his fingers. Her father stayed at her back.

The torpedo strike practically blasted apart the platform.

Screams were wrenched from her throat. She was thrown hard onto the platform floor. Her helmet took the brunt of the fall, but Jyn still groaned, feeling like she’d just been pulverised. Her face stung and behind them the flames curled up and hissed in the rain. She ached. She was soaked. She wanted to just curl up and pass out, but she forced herself to roll over onto her hands and knees with a muffled yell. She looked up through the smoke and blanched a moment. If anyone had survived it would be a miracle … but still, she cried,

“PAPA!”

“He’s here,” Cassian’s voice answered her and Jyn rubbed her eyes quickly before crawling to where she thought she’d heard him. She discovered the two men looking about as worse for wear as she probably did, but thankfully no more hurt. For a second, she glanced back over her shoulder. The platform was a mess … if they’d been closer to the blast, there was no way they would have survived it …

“The Alliance squadron is pulling out,” Cassian said, forcibly hauling Galen upright by the shoulders. The older and warier man groaned. “The strikes have hit the lab as well, the entire place is going to blow. I’ve called for Bodhi, but–”

“Bodhi?” Galen gasped out. “Bodhi Rook? He’s with you?”

“He sent your message,” Jyn told him.

It was almost surreal to have her father watch her with shining eyes. It had been so long …

“And you got it.”

“We got it,” Jyn crawled forward, clamped her hands on her father’s arm. “Papa, we’ll destroy it, we will!”

“We need to _move_ ,” Cassian insisted.

It should have been easy. The Imperials had been scattered, attacked, with what should have been little concern for the two ground rebels trying to escape. But Galen was with them, and whatever had happened up on the platform before the Alliance could strike clearly hadn’t been something good, as he was apparently a giant target. Jyn protected him, while Cassian protected her, but eventually it wasn’t enough.

Their way off the platform – a cargo turbolift that Cassian had noticed was currently unattended in the chaos – was suddenly surrounded.

The blaster fire from the Stormtroopers was mercifully snuffed out by the particle bolts coming from the cliffs surrounding the platform. Jyn could only assume that Baze and Chirrut were out there, protecting them like they had absolutely no reason to. But when Jyn had tugged on her father’s arm once more to keep them moving forward, it was to find resistance. She turned in time to watch Galen collapse. Smoke curled up from blaster wound in his chest.

She was screaming before he even hit the floor.

* * *

 

Cassian had had to forcibly drag her away from her father’s body.

“I can’t leave him,” she’d cried.

“Jyn – _listen_ –” He’d yelled in her face. “He’s gone, you can’t do anything for him. We have to move!”

She had moved, with a kind of frightening clarity. On Jedha, Jyn had barely felt her own limbs, but as they ran back through the canyon, eventually diving into the stolen transport with Bodhi at the helm, she felt every inch of her raging. It was almost blinding. In a kinder universe there might have been time to bring him with them, but there had been too many Stormtroopers coming as back up, too much chaos. They’d needed to survive.

So they'd run. And left her father behind.

The stolen shuttle was deadly silent the first several minutes into hyperspace. Even K-2 wasn’t irritatingly analysing their injuries. Jyn had stumbled to her knees on the floor in the main hold and hadn’t bothered to try and move. Cassian, Baze and Chirrut accompanied her without saying a word. She’d been so close …

 _So close_. She’d found her father, found him and lost him, in a matter of minutes. She could only blame herself. She’d spent too long talking to him, hugging him, stupidly wanting to just be a daughter for a moment, when they should have used that time escaping. Although, Jyn did suspect that the Alliance squadron had been tactically sent to ensure the job was done … how much of that was her searching for somewhere to place the blame?

Eventually, she felt someone also drop down next to her. She blindly reached out, only it wasn’t Cassian’s hand that gripped her own.

“You didn’t find him?” Bodhi asked, sounding heartbroken.

She didn’t know what to say.

“He was shot,” Cassian answered for her. She didn’t look up, but could imagine him warily rubbing his bearded face. “We almost …”

He approached now and Bodhi hastily backed away. She felt like she needed to be saying something to the other men – to Baze and Chirrut, who had been there to back them up, to Bodhi, who had found them a way out – but her voice wouldn’t work. Cassian’s hand came up and gently rested against her back as he knelt down beside her.

“You know it never would have ended well if we’d gotten him out of there,” he said, voice low.

“How dare you,” she practically growled.

His hand moved up, squeezed her shoulder tightly. “Jyn. I’m not saying … I’m honestly sorry for everything. But my orders had been to kill him. If we’d helped him escape, we would have all been considered traitors for disobeying orders and collaborating with a known Imperial officer. We would’ve been forced to go rogue–”

“I told you before, I would have done it,” she bit out fiercely.

“And it scares me that I would have as well,” Cassian threw back. “but it would have ended with us all dead, and you know it.”

She did know it. Escaping with her father wouldn’t have ended well for any of them. Jyn knew what they needed to do from here. She’d known really ever since she’d heard her father’s message. He’d laid it all out for her: they had to get the schematic plans to the Death Star from Scarif. It was the only way to have any hope at destroying the thing. But with the Empire trying to kill them, the Alliance also on the verge of considering them traitors, and only a five strong (six, if you included the droid) team, Jyn knew that they would all die in any attempt made.

They needed the Alliance. Jyn may blame the Alliance for a lot of things, but she at least understood it.

The Empire, though. The man in white … yes, they would all die.

“I know,” she whispered. Finally, she glanced up and met Cassian’s gaze.

This was supposed to be their time. This was supposed to be where they could finally be together, and Jyn Erso was going to do her damn best to make it so. She was going to break through whatever top security features the Empire threw at her and steal those plans right from under them and she was going to live to see the Death Star destroyed. 

Jyn Erso was finally going to live her life. And if she got any say in it, Cassian would too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HHAHAHAHAHAH WHO TAKES OVER A MONTH TO UPDATE?? CERTAINLY NOT THIS GIRL AAHAHAHHAHAH??? 
> 
> Honestly, I'm so sorry it's taken me forever to get this chapter out. I didn't mean for it to take so long. But I hope yall still liked it!! I honestly nearly considered letting Galen live in this AU, but figured THAT would take it in a completely different direction which I should probably save for another fanfic hahaha. 
> 
> But THANK YOU SO SO MUCH for all the amazing comments. They really mean the world to me, they're the lights of my life, the butter to my toast........anyway. Please let me know what you think?  
> I love yall! xoxo


	7. let's go out tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #sorry

_The time to fight is now_ , she’d said.

 _Rebellions are built on hope_ , she’d said.

“What is the point in a rebellion,” Jyn fumed, storming through the base’s corridors. “when it refuses to rebel when it actually needs to?”

Bodhi, who was taking the brunt of her bitterness, continued to stay silent.

The Alliance High Council was deciding that inaction was the better course here than fighting. Of course it was! She should have known from the moment she had found out that their plan all along was to have her father terminated. They had never intended on hearing him out, and they certainly weren’t going to believe her now without some kind of proof, so naturally that left fleeing with its goddamn tail between its legs.

But there was a hunger in her. The entire flight back from Eadu, the need to see this through to the end had only grown until now, it was almost a necessity. She wasn’t going to die like Saw or her father, alone and regretful. She was going to fight hard, and fight dirty. She would prove the rebellion wrong, she would storm Scarif by herself if she had to!

“We’re going to do it,” she’d murmured to Cassian, his arm slung around her shoulders as they’d tried to rest on their way back. “We’re going to get those plans, you’ll see.”

He’d pressed his lips to her hair, but hadn’t answered.  

She actually wasn’t even sure where Cassian had gone while she’d been pulled into the meeting with the High Council, but she spotted Baze and Chirrut waiting for them across the hangar. On the flight back from Eadu she had finally gotten to speak properly to the Guardians, had been able to thank them for their help. While she'd appreciated it, she still didn’t quite understand their insistence on sticking with them. She assumed it was because they had nothing else left.

“Oh, our time to help isn’t over just yet. Lead us to the bitter end, Jyn Erso," Chirrut had smiled knowingly at her words. "We’ll be right behind you.” 

She nodded at them now in acknowledgement as she approached, however Bodhi was quick to dart away from her. She supposed that the man was sick of her resentment. He hadn’t spoken up much during the meeting (although ‘meeting’ was almost too nice a word, for all the disorganised yelling it had been) and Jyn knew that she was being unfairly harsh on him because of it. She should probably do something about that. Bodhi wasn’t a solider, but he was still here anyway, and she had to give him credit at least.

Baze noticed her furious gait and called out,

“You don’t look happy.”

“They prefer to surrender,” Jyn held out her hands in mock happiness.

“And you?”

Chirrut was the one to chuckle then, as if to say  _you mean you can’t tell?_ “She wants to fight,” he said. It was obvious, after all.

“So do I,” Bodhi offered, quietly. “We all do.”

Jyn paused, watching the three men in front of her. She turned to face Bodhi, and he flinched a little like he was regretting ever speaking. Jyn sighed. 

“Look, Bodhi …” she said. “Hey. I’m sorry for snapping at you.”

“Oh, no!” Bodhi immediately insisted. “No, it’s fine, I know you’re just angry–” 

“No,” Jyn said. “It’s not fine. It wasn’t fair of me. You’re one of the only few people here who’re actually willing to fight, you’ve done so much already, and you’re not even a soldier. My father’s message …” She had to swallow a flash of burning pain at the thought of the father she’d been forced to leave behind. “We never would have gotten it, none of us would even be here, if it weren’t for you.”

Bodhi looked a little blindsided. For a moment, Jyn wasn’t sure the man had ever had someone praise him so much before. Baze and Chirrut were listening quietly, but Jyn didn’t mind as she leaned against the large crate behind them. “Bodhi …” she hesitated. “you knew my father, right?”

“Well,” Bodhi shrugged, matching her movements and leaning next to her. “as well as you could know any of the scientists at Eadu.”

“I haven’t spoken to or heard from my father since I was 8,” Jyn said. “Up until … up until yesterday, at least. Can you tell me about him?” A part of her would always be that eight year old child who loved her papa, but she needed to know what had happened after he’d been taken. She needed to know the man who had died. Bodhi looked a little anxious, but she added, “ _Please_ , Bodhi,” and he relented.

“Galen was brilliant,” he told her slowly. “I … I didn’t really know him that well, but when I did speak to him, he was brilliant. Always a bit quiet, a bit down, but really intelligent, eloquent. He kept to himself a lot … didn’t really interact with people, but I had to coordinate with him on several shipments, and we would talk sometimes. He would talk about you,” Bodhi smiled a little, as if trying to lift her spirits. “Never mentioned a name, but spoke about his daughter sometimes. Things like ‘my daughter would love this’ or ‘my daughter used to do that’. I never thought he ever noticed me really, but apparently he had. He was a good man, Jyn.”

_A good man._

Jyn nodded, her throat tight. “A good man in a bad place.”

“He did what was right,” Bodhi nodded his head determinedly. “and I did too. I mean – I’m going to – I –” He floundered a bit before saying, “Look, I meant what I said before. Whatever it is you’re planning, I’m in. I’m fighting with you. It would be an honour.”

“You don’t know me,” Jyn shook her head in disbelief.

“I know enough,” Bodhi just shrugged simply. “and I knew Galen, the things he fought for. That’s all I need.”

Jyn suddenly felt her chest swell for the pilot. It was odd to have the urge to hug someone when she’d never been much of an openly affectionate person, but here was someone promising to literally follow her into battle. She decided to not think about it too much. Bodhi stiffened a little in surprise when she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him.

“Thank you, Bodhi.”

He laughed a little shakily, tentatively patting her on the back. “You’re welcome.”

“Unfortunately,” Jyn said, after holding him a moment longer and then stepping away once more (Bodhi did look slightly relieved, she noted). “the council still said no, and we’ve got no resources. I’m not sure five of us is quite enough. Where is Cassian, anyway?” she added, when she realised that the council meeting had ended some time ago and that he still hadn’t come to find out what the verdict was.

However, Bodhi suddenly straightened at her words. Baze and Chirrut exchanged looks, and the former snorted a little as he said, “I believe he’s been busy.”

“What are you talking about?”

He just gestured behind her. Jyn turned to see what looked like an entire army approaching. She had to blink a little at the sheer number of rebels who had suddenly flooded the hangar, dodging around varying ships and droids. They looked anxious, wired, like they were already on a mission and Jyn felt her heart clench when she realised that Cassian was the one who was leading them. He met her gaze as he stopped before her a few feet away and said,

“They were never going to believe you.”

She gave him a faintly amused smile and snorted, “Thanks for the support.”  

“But I do. I believe you,” Cassian pressed. Apparently he was being serious. He gestured to the men behind him and said, “We’d like to volunteer.”  

No, the council was never going to agree to her hair-brained idea to attack Scarif and steal the Death Star plans … but he did. And here he suddenly was, insisting that there was a majority of rebels out there who were also willing to fight when the time came. She stood and listened as he spoke. He mentioned the terrible things he’d done, that they’d all done, in the name of the rebellion. That they needed a cause to fight for, otherwise it all would have been for nothing.

Her heart slammed in her chest. She'd never been able to count on someone as much as this before, and honestly, it should have scared her. Not only was he giving himself to her, but she was slowly giving herself to him in return. Yes, they had issues, but they also had each other's backs. She'd let this man hold her. She’d let him see her tears, her fears, her body and her mind, and he'd let her see all of his in return … hell, maybe that’s even what love was.

Yes, it was terrifying. But they were about to storm head-first into this war, and who could be scared of a little love when there were more important things to be terrified about?

Bodhi was grinning and claiming that they would all fit. Cassian was barking orders to gear up and K-2SO was there, insisting that he was only doing this because he was told to. Jyn smiled as Cassian’s eyes met hers once more and she said,

“I’m not used to people sticking around when things go bad.”

He moved closer as the others dispersed around them. No, she was used to looking after herself, but this was a rebellion, and she should get used to it because the rebellion, for all its faults, stuck together. The decision to join it had been made a long time ago. Cassian’s hand reached up and held her face as he told her,

“Welcome home.”

She held his hand against her, closing her eyes. “You know that this is going to be a suicide mission.”

“Yes.”

“You also know that we are both going to fight hard to survive it.” 

Cassian hesitated, and she opened her eyes once more. He didn’t look convinced, but he needed to be. She stepped in closer, reaching up and pulling his head down to hers so that their foreheads met, their breaths becoming one. His hands hesitantly moved to her hips and she said,

“ _We will_. As the Force wills it, Cassian, I want us to walk away from that fight. I’ve spent the last two years in and out of prison, finding you and losing you over and over again, and I’m not going to give up now! But if you go into this battle thinking you’re going to die, then you will, and damn it,  _I want to live_ ,” She felt his fingers grip tighter and she caressed her thumbs across his wary face.

“You can’t know what will happen,” Cassian murmured. “We’ll be outnumbered, outgunned.”

“Someone has to get the plans out.”

“You only need one person for that.”

“ _Cassian_ ,” she stressed.

“Look, of course I want to live, Jyn,” he said, voice pained. “ _of course_ I do, but …”

“Don’t you dare,” she hissed. “don’t you dare think only one person needs to get out of this. It’s both of us, or neither of us. If we die, we die, but I’m sure as hell not making it easy for them and you shouldn’t either! You’re a solider, aren’t you? Fight! Are … are you with me?”

It took a moment, but she felt him take a deep breath. Slowly, he let it out. Then,

“All the way.”

A knot of anxiety started to loosen from inside her throat. She almost kissed him, not giving a damn about anyone who was around them to notice, but then someone was clearing their throat and they both hastily broke away from each other. Ruescott Melshi looked slightly uncomfortable to be having to break them apart, but they needed to be preparing. From there, it was a rush of movement. Supplies were shoved into bags, weapons hidden inside jackets and boots, and dozens of people all attempted to remain discrete as they headed to the same impounded ship. It was a close call, but eventually they even managed to get away mostly undetected.

They had gone rogue. There was no going back now.

* * *

 

“ _Rogue one?_ ” Jyn was saying good-naturedly.

“I panicked! I said the first thing I could think of!” Bodhi threw up his hands. “Besides, it’s not like you were much help.”

Several soldiers laughed as Jyn waved that detail off. Deep in hyperspace and with Yavin IV now far behind them, they could do nothing but wait. It might have been easy to sit in silence, stewing in anxiety or worry, but apparently this wasn’t a first battle for a lot of people. These rebels had been down this road before, and so far they had all kept up a mollifying banter throughout the main hold of their stolen Imperial shuttle. It was quiet and tentative, but soldiers sat together in groups, talking, joking and teasing, and Jyn appreciated it. Cassian was still instructing K-2 on their flight path, but Jyn had joined Bodhi as he sat with Melshi and several other rebels and realised that talking (or at least listening) was taking her mind off what was coming.

“At least you picked an appropriate name,” one rebel pointed out.

“Yeah, seriously, no one’s gonna want to look at us again, even if some of us do manage to come back,” Melshi pointed out, leaning against a storage shelf. “Either way, we’re fucked. Oh, well.”

“Yeah, if this fight doesn’t kill me, my wife sure will,” one rebel mentioned, leaning into the conversation.

“You didn't tell Mila you were going?” Melshi asked in astonishment.

“She would have wanted to come too! It’s a war,” the young rebel shrugged. “we leave each other all the time, we have to.”

Jyn suddenly felt a little cold. The more she listened, the more she realised that these were actual people. They had husbands, wives, children and siblings, things to live for. She almost felt guilty for letting them come. “I didn’t realise how many people were married in the rebellion,” she mentioned, quietly.

“Oh yeah!” the rebel nodded. “Wait, it’s Erso right?  _The_  Jyn Erso? I’m Lito Dawkins!”

“Good to meet you,” Jyn tried not to smile.

“But yeah,” Dawkins told her. “it might be a war, but we still make the most of it. Swear there’s a wedding every bloody fortnight.”

“It’s not so much a wedding than it is just signing papers,” Melshi snorted.

“The after-party would say otherwise,” Dawkins grinned. “but even then, that’s just the people who make it official! We’re not even counting the RDFs.”

“The RDFs?” Bodhi thankfully asked, since Jyn was certain she couldn’t.

“It’s stupid,” Melshi was the one to answer, voice gruff with irritation. “Alliance policy says anyone in an established relationship must work in separate roles, otherwise it’s a conflict of interest, but c’mon. Name even one squadron where there hasn’t been at least two people who go for each other.”

“Exactly,” Dawkins said. “So technically, if you even so much as date someone else, you have to say so with a Relationship Declaration Form so they can seperate you, but as you can imagine, that gets awkward.”

One rebel swore, turning around as he heard the conversation. “Don’t  _ever_  mention RDFs.”

“Did you and Kellen ever actually fill one out?” another called across the hold.

“I SAID, DON’T MENTION IT.”

“Remember when Talek from Blue Squadron  _freaked_  because he slept with Dara that one time?”

“Mate, and then General Merrick found out!”

“ _Iconic_.”

“Would you and Andor need to fill one out?” Melshi suddenly threw at her with a sly look.

Jyn froze a little as dozens of pairs of eyes suddenly turned to her. Oh, hell _._  Though honestly, it wasn’t so much the question that threw her, than it was the curious faces. Soldiers were craning over heads and leaning on shoulders, all suddenly listening in. Jyn attempted to catch Bodhi’s eye with a look that pleaded,  _help me_. Bodhi just grinned and shrugged.  _You’re on your own_.

Jyn’s eyes tracked slowly towards the hold stairs, where beyond Cassian was surely still piloting.

“Maybe,” she ended up saying in answer.

Several of the rebels catcalled and laughed. Jyn ignored her racing heart as Melshi whistled in what seemed to be disbelief. “ _Damn_ ,” he mentioned.

“What?”

“What do you think?” one rebel called out. “Andor’s best friend is a droid!”

“Look, Erso, I don’t work Intelligence,” Melshi said, folding his arms with an amused expression on his usually gruff face. “Really, I don’t know him that well, and I haven’t worked with him much before. But even I know that the man doesn’t do relationships with people. Seeing you guys in the hangar before, I had to ask.”

“ _You saw them?_ ” Dawkins asked in awe. “There’s no way.”

“Saw what?”

Timing impeccable, Jyn nearly snapped her neck along with the rest of the rebels as everyone turned to see Cassian descending the stairs to join them. Snickers broke out and several people hastily began to talk among themselves once more, but while Dawkins flushed and went silent, apparently Melshi didn’t care about being discreet. Cassian walked with the careful stride of an Intelligence Officer, moving to the seat next to her. As he sat down, he reiterated once more, “What is it, Dawkins? Melshi?”

“We’re talking about you,” Melshi smirked. “Asked Erso here if you needed a RDF.”

Jyn wasn’t quite sure what kind of reaction she was expecting. All of this was ridiculous. This was a war, all of them were flying towards certain death, it felt bizarre to even be talking about this! Cassian she knew could keep a straight face though and sure enough, he held it against Melshi’s ribbing.

“Does Jyn even know what that is?” he asked, dryly. 

“I do now,” Jyn grumbled. She caught the amused looks being thrown at her and she added, “Oh, this is bloody  _stupid_  …” She huffed to her feet and stormed away. Several rebels laughed as she went, and for god’s sake, she couldn’t even fault them for simply trying to find a light side in the wake of battle. Honestly, it was a hypothetical data document! It should mean nothing to her, but she still found herself climbing the ladder to the main deck, ducking throughout the soldiers of the newly formed Rogue One until she had reached the mercifully empty landing bay. There, she leaned her head back against the wall, eyes closed. A poster of landing procedures crackled beneath her head.

“Jyn!” Cassian’s voice called out.

She folded her arms across her chest and sighed. Of course he had followed her.

“It doesn’t matter, Cassian,” Jyn said at once.

“I just …” She opened her eyes in time to see him step into the landing bay. He faltered slightly at her gaze, but carried on tentatively towards her, like one might while approaching a wounded animal. “I wanted to make sure that you …”

“What?” Jyn said. “Honestly, Cassian, I mean it. I’m not bothered or worried or anything, they all just needed something to take their minds off things down there, and we’re a talking point. We haven’t exactly been subtle, besides …”

But Jyn realised in that moment that  _oh, lord._ They actually never had mentioned what they were to each other. There had been too many explosions, too much running, into each other and away from each other, that they'd never really had time. Somewhere along those lines, Jyn had kind of just automatically assumed that they were on the same page. Like, what else could they be to each other, really? Less than an official relationship, more than just a connection, there was a spark, a flame between them, and it was begging for a chance to light up. But she’d never actually _said_ any of that …

“I … I mean–”

“I know,” he said, softly. “We’ve come a long way.” 

 _Same page._ She let him keep moving, until eventually he was there wrapping his arms around her waist. She didn’t unfold her arms, but turned her head and let him press his nose to her hair. She couldn't answer, but she hoped that he knew she agreed. They stood together a long moment until eventually, she figured she needed to at least say _something_. She ended up blurting out,

“Remember when you asked me out to dinner that one time?” 

He chuckled, his voice rumbling through his chest. “You were terrified.”

"I said yes, didn’t I?"

"Still terrified, though."  

She smiled, but it slowly faded away as she murmured into his chest, “Kind of like now.”

He sighed. “I’m scared too, Jyn.”

“There’s a lot of things we haven’t done yet,” she mentioned. “I want them so badly, Cassian.”

She untangled her arms to finally wrap them around his neck. He breathed in deeply, holding her tightly. There were _so many_ things they hadn't gotten to do yet, and she was starting to think about them. She really shouldn't, she needed to be thinking about the Death Star schematics, and their plan for getting them out, but her heart had started betraying her a long time ago. She pushed her nose into his neck and kissed the skin there. Then, she pulled back just enough so that she could reach his face. He breathed in sharply, his hands moving to curve around her hips. She didn't mean for their kiss to get so heated, but soon he had pressed her up against the landing bay wall, his tongue in her mouth and a moan somewhere on the edge of their lips. She forgot about the Death Star. She forgot about her father, about a war, about everything. All she wanted was for him to make her shatter. 

Cassian suddenly pulled back, their faces still inches apart. "It’s …" he hesitated a little, before saying in a rush, "it’s definitely too early to be saying I love you, right?”

Jyn sucked at the roughness of his jaw. “Definitely.”

“Right. Yeah,” he huffed. “not that I was going to say it or anything.” 

Jyn laughed.  

“I wasn’t going to say it either.” 

* * *

 

When Jyn Erso finally stared down the man in white, she was glad that she could remember all the things that had led her there. 

She could remember how powerful it had felt to infiltrate a major Imperial base without being detected. She remembered slamming a blaster onto a man’s head and taking his clothes. She remembered reaching the data vault, and an irritating droid giving up his life so that they could keep going … 

She remembered the men who had died so that she could reach this spot. Or if they weren't dead, if there were any of them still out there, then she would remember those who were surely at least in the process of soon dying. Dawkins, Melshi … Bodhi, Chirrut and Baze … she already knew that K-2 was gone. Jyn herself had been shot at and blown up. Her body ached from when the catwalk had been hit, her muscles screaming from having to claw her way back to her feet. But adrenaline coursed through her. Her hands shook and all that stopped her from getting these plans through to the rebellion was the man in white in front of her.

She would never forget the way Cassian’s body had crunched as it fell, the way she had screamed his name …

“The shield is up,” the man in white taunted her. “Your signal will never reach the rebel base. I’ve lost nothing but time. You, on the other hand, will die with the rebellion!”

 _Like hell_.

He was going to shoot, and she was going to lunge. He wasn’t stopping her, he would have to shoot her a hundred times over to make her, but before she could even move, there was a sudden  _hiss SLAM_  of a blaster bolt. Jyn flinched, but it was the man in white who gasped. He hit the floor.

It was Cassian. 

He certainly looked like he had died a few times, but god, there he suddenly was. He had fought his way out of death and back to her side, just like he’d promised her. He would always keep his promises. He had to be ok, she had to know, but soon, just wait, she had to send the plans. She sprinted for the terminal. This time, the antennae was in line. This time, it worked.  _Transmitting_ , the control panel said and this was working, it was working, they had done it! Jyn gripped the edges of the terminal for a moment, trying to breathe. Everything would hopefully be worth it now. In the distance, she realised that she could hear the rumbles and explosions of a battle still being raged, something that had been dulled while her own mission still stood. Now that the plans were out, the far off battle suddenly seemed a hundred times louder. Their men, still fighting, still dying.

Who knew how long the shield gate would stay down for.

Jyn looked up and saw Cassian watching her. His legs were giving out, slowly sinking to the ground, and she ran. She almost fell into him.

“Cassian–!”

“I’m fine–”

She didn’t bother try and correct him. She grabbed his arm, wrapped it around her neck and held him up. For a moment, they stood there and breathed. Jyn, fast and shaky, Cassian wheezy and staggering. He had to have at least a couple broken ribs, along with the blaster wound. By all accounts, a man who should still be lying broken at the bottom of the data vault.

“I thought you were dead,” she whispered, leaning her head against him.

“The climb hurt a lot more the second time,” Cassian said and incredibly, she laughed.

He made to move, but then out of the corner of her eye, Jyn noticed the prone body of the man in white. He was feebly stirring. Suddenly, the blood was roaring in her ears and she wanted to snap something. Kill him, she wanted to  _kill him_ , strangle him with her bare hands. However, she hadn’t even taken one step before Cassian was roughly hauling her back into his side,  _leave it, that’s it …_ there wasn’t any point. She had to close her eyes and turn away.

She’d sent the plans. That had to be enough for her.

The turbolift was thankfully at their level when they reached it. Jyn slammed the button and hauled Cassian inside, leaning him against the wall so that they could begin their descent down. Inside, the sounds of the battle were almost unheard. It was practically silent save for their haggard breathing, watching the regular eb and flow of light flooding in and lighting up their faces. Cassian didn’t take his eyes off her. Jyn had promise him that they would fight, but she could see in his face that he wouldn't be able to keep that promise anymore. Yes, he had come back to her, but his injuries were clearly extensive and the damage more than he was letting on. It was ok, though. She would carry him the rest of the way. He had done enough.

There weren’t really any words that she could say, so she leaned forward in the dark and pressed her lips to his. She hoped to spark a flame, spark  _something_. Remind him of what they’d achieved, remind him that they weren’t quite dead yet. He sighed into her, and she knew he remembered. He had welcomed her home, after all.

Staggering out the turbolift was when Jyn realised that they had slightly bigger problems. She recognised the shape looming on the horizon and for a moment, they both faltered.

“Well,” Cassian said, nodding faintly. “guess this is it.”

“Shut up,” Jyn gritted her teeth. “We’ll head to the beach, follow the coast line to the landing pad–”

 “I can barely stand,” Cassian was clearly trying not to scream, but he still resolutely followed her lead.

It was a staggering process. Taking his weight wasn’t great for Jyn’s own battered body. They crumpled before they could get even a mile down the beach. Her legs gave out, hitting the wet sand, and she growled, “No,  _no_ –”

“I’m weighing you down,” Cassian did not look good. His face was glazed with sweat, his breathing short and gasping. “But I won’t – ask you to keep going – that wouldn’t be fair.”

“No, it wouldn’t,” Jyn kept a hand on his thigh, holding his hand there. Out across Scarif’s oceans, the Death Star had fired. The broken horizon seemed so far away at this point. A distant future that perhaps, if they hoped enough, might never reach them. It was ridiculous, but nice to imagine. They both watched it for a moment, their bruised faces staring out at the destructive sunset.

“It’s kind of beautiful,” he wheezed.

Jyn snorted. After a moment longer of watching the swirling clouds and gases, she admitted in a quiet voice,

“I don’t want to die.”

“You’re not,” Cassian gripped her fingers tighter. “Clearly, someone’s going to swoop down and save us.”

She scoffed. “Clearly.”

“And we’ll probably have to stay in the medbay for a while after this.”

“I’ll have a chair at your side that I won’t leave.”

“But we’ll pull through,” Cassian said. “and they’ll tell us that we did it. It was destroyed.”

She knew that they weren’t going anywhere. They both did. She could feel tears carving tracks through the dirt and ash on her face, but it wasn’t that she was scared of dying. She just didn’t want to die because of everything that was being taken away from them …

“It’s ok, though,” she said. “You know it’s ok, right?”

He sighed. “Jyn, none of this is ok–”

“But it is,” she said, determinedly. “We’ve done what we meant to do, we did our part. We won’t die for nothing … Papa didn’t die for nothing.” 

Cassian turned his gaze away from the disintegrating planet to look straight at her.

“Your father would have been proud of you, Jyn.”

She smiled.

She honestly didn’t consider herself a very idealistic person. She knew the cards she had been dealt with and she had played them the best she could. She knew that the galaxy wasn’t handing anything to her. If she wanted to stay alive, she had to work at it. Even then, she had tried to make it and it wasn’t enough, but somewhere along the way, someone had strayed across her path and still gave her strength to face the universe. She’d looked up instead of keeping her head down.

She needed to touch him, feel him. She reached out and wound her arms around his broken body, holding onto that future she and Cassian had carved out for themselves. A Jyn from two years ago would have cursed her for it, but if these were her last moments, she was going to spend them not regretting any decisions that had led her to this beach. Cassian’s fingers dug hard into the skin of her back, their bodies so close that she could feel his heart racing against hers. If she closed her eyes, she could almost imagine his skin against hers, their hearts beating together … 

In another universe, they might have made it off this planet. They would have been near death, with bruises and fractured bones and covered in blood, but ultimately alive. They might have made it and they could have struggled back into the world several days later after drifting in and out of consciousness, bacta treatments and breaking through the haze of pain meds. She would have been alone when she woke, but she would have dragged herself out of bed the instant she could, despite her temples throbbing. Cassian was injured worse than her, so after threatening a few medics and eventually tracking down his room, she would spend several more torturous days waiting for him to wake … but he eventually would.

The rebellion wouldn’t know what to do with them. Jyn wasn’t much for praying, but she looked to the Force and dared to hope that the Alliance had received the plans.  They had to be out there, had to be in rebel hands, and that they would figure out how to take it out. They would send squadrons, the entire fleet (because  _now_ , see, there was hope) and Jyn and Cassian would be forced to only hear through base gossip eventually that it was gone, the Death Star was gone, her father had finally done enough –

They would slowly heal.

It would be in stops and starts, awkward and passionate and terrifying all at the same time. See, they would suddenly have time. Two people always limited in their windows of opportunity would now suddenly have all the time in the world, and it would almost be a shock. To suddenly see each other every day, to be able to wrap their arms around each other, or to sit together in the mess hall, it’s a comfort they’d never had before. They would barely know what to do with all their time together and Jyn knew what she would be like. She would pull back. Hide a little, officially enlist with no hesitation and work to train new recruits, spend all day in the training gym and avoid the way her neck flushed and her chest hurt whenever she ran into Cassian.

He would eventually get through, though. Maybe with an explosive confrontation in the middle of the hangar after a mission of his goes bad, or maybe with a hushed, intense conversion where he reminds her of all they’d been through. They would have come a long way from the two strangers who had once met in a bar.

It would never be easy. Jyn thought it probably wasn’t supposed to. They would be survivors, traumatised and living with injuries that never quite heal properly and scars that never quite fade, but they would have each other. They had managed to survive alone until now, but she didn’t want to be alone anymore. They would get through the years, the anniversaries, the battles and the tears. Jyn even dared to imagine a day without a war, where the Empire was gone and they were free to consider the things she never thought she might consider someday.

An actual job. A house. Maybe children.  _A life_.

Jyn didn’t chastise herself for imagining it all. Sometimes you lived and sometimes you didn’t, it was the way wars worked. Jyn had tried. She had tried so damn hard, and they still hadn’t quite gotten there, but she had done everything she’d needed to do. All those things that she hadn’t gotten to do yet, she could die not having them. There was another universe out there, a kinder universe, where they walked away from this.

It wasn’t this one.

But that was ok. 

Her nose was buried in Cassian’s neck, and she kissed the warm skin there. Her arm around his shoulders slid up til the fingers tangled in his hair, holding him to her, as the wave of heat engulfed them.

* * *

 

She could remember a bar. Speaking to a man she had absolutely no business speaking to underneath the lights and later, kissing him in the street after having shot someone in the kneecap. She could remember a planet too hot to stand and an alleyway that had probably seen more than its fair share of trysts. She could remember a nightclub and bodies grinding against each other. She could remember explosions, prisons and space stations … 

The cantina wasn’t the worst place she’d ever been in.

It was the exact same as two years ago. Patrons, humanoid and alien alike, filled out the cantina on the backwater planet Jyn couldn’t even remember the name of. The glass in her hands was smudged and cracked, the lights low and edgy. Conversation was continuous and in another life, Jyn had come here hoping for a job, but now she knew that she was waiting.

She felt the man sit down next to her before she saw him. Trying and failing to get the attention of the bartender, his casual clothes contrasted with the straight-backed demeanour that could only come from military training. She eyed him until he sighed in frustration, and she finally found herself saying,

“I wouldn’t hold your breath.”

Surprisingly, the man didn’t glance down at her, but instead just smiled. He might have expected her words, maybe even dared hope that she would be here. “Why’s that?”

“Have you seen this place?” Jyn gestured around them, and the man followed her hand. “You’re not getting a drink for another half hour at least, ‘specially since you don’t have a pretty girl on your arm.”

“Do I mean that much to you, Jyn?” the man said, still smiling at the bar top. “That you would forget me so quickly?”

She tried to hide her own smile into her glass. 

With a pretty girl to help him out, he managed to get two more drinks out of the bartender. When he passed one to her, Jyn felt their fingers brush and marvelled at how solid it felt, how real. She couldn’t quite remember how she’d ended up here, she realised, as they settled in next to each other. 

“We’re dead, aren’t we?” she asked. 

“I don’t know,” Cassian mentioned. “We’re definitely not alive, at least.”

“That’s fair,” Jyn strained her thoughts to go back, but she could only remember damp knees, fierce arms around her and a blasting heat searing her face. She gave up, instead focusing on the cantina. “Force, this night is seared into my brain. I definitely shouldn’t have talked to you, but I thought you were hot. Sorry.” 

Cassian laughed, taking a drink. “Don’t be. I was definitely partial to you when you pulled that blaster out of nowhere.”

“I just wanted to have a good time, honest.”

“Well, I did,” Cassian informed her. “Despite everything that came next.”

He probably only meant the shootout, but Jyn found herself sighing bitterly, glancing away. “After everything,” she said. “Two years, and we just … died in the end.”

“I wouldn’t call it ‘just’ dying,” Cassian said. 

“True,” Jyn added. “although I find that I’m still pissed off about it.”

“You said that you believed that someone was out there,” Cassian reminded her. “that someone was listening. I believe that too, I have to. I have to believe we did it. No one else is going to die because of that thing, Jyn.”

She nodded. “It was an honour dying with you.” 

He clinked his glass against hers. They were quiet now, but this time no traffickers interrupted their night. In fact, people started to dance as the night went on, cantina music thumping in their ears. It was messy and certainly not classy, but Cassian had already hopped off his barstool and offered a hand. She downed her drink before joining him.

He pulled them into the middle of the crowd, grinning as Jyn pressed herself against him. Why would she care about how she looked this time? She was dead, after all. Her hands skimmed up his arms, her head to the side as they danced. His nose was pressed into her hair until he dipped her back. She laughed, staggering a little as she was hauled back in. She let herself get twirled around, ending with her back to his chest. His arms were strong around her, a little possessive, a little too tight, but they still sent a thrill through her. She didn’t know what was supposed to happen from now on, whether this was their purgatory, their heaven or hell, or whether there was something else after this … but if Cassian was still with her, it couldn’t be all bad.

She turned her head and somewhere in amongst the music, the dancing turned into a kiss that she could feel in her toes.

“If I had to be dead with anyone,” she murmured into his lips. “I’m glad I’m dead with you.” 

* * *

 

_Fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *coughs awkwardly*  
> uhhhhhhh........... sup guys 
> 
> So like, I swear I didn't MEAN to abandon this fic for months?? and I know you're probs all Screeching bc not only that, but I for some reason decided to go bloody canon compliant on this very au fic so they STILL FUCKING DIE GODDAMN IT and all i can say is im sorry???!!! 
> 
> I honestly tried writing it where they survived, I really really did. But while i could've made it feasibly work, it just didn't feel right somehow. This was the only way that fit and IM SOBBING but this was the way it had to be. I hope yall will eventually forgive me. 
> 
> Either way, i finally finished the thing so thank fuckin god hahahdghsjsh. Huuuge thank you to Nina (@rogue-stars on tumblr) for letting me rant to her and to everyone else who has commented and encouraged me to keep going with this fic. I honestly love yall so much!!! 
> 
> (I promise to write something where they don't die next to make up for this travesty hahaha)  
> xoxoxoxo


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